4/12/2011

It's Going to Be a Lonely Year

Email Submitted by Tracy:

I write to only one woman per year.  Today, this point, this time, you are that woman.  Congratulations!

Queen of the night I shall call you and judge you.  I am a very picky man and it's necessary for me to screen date site women relentlessly.  If even a single thing comes off as wrong, I do not write them and they are deprived of me forever.  You have a profile that has not a single blemish.

I cordially invite you to a meeting with me.  Clothes will remain on (business attire would be best for both of us).  My words are crystal and my song is golden.  You should know that my manhood packs a mighty punch and it's hard for women to fit my "tubular lunch/munch meat" into their warmslips but I am confident that you are brave.  All it takes is to be brave!

Queen of the night I look forward to your triumphant entrance into the city that is my world of hope for the two of us!

David
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7 comments:

  1. Ari4/12/2011 1:28 PM

    "Tubular lunch/munch meat"? *shudder* Not a very crystalline or songlike description, IMO. And why does he have to clarify that it's tubular? o_0

    I'm gonna go with the title on this one. It's going to be a very lonely year for you, David. Good luck with the rest of those "women" who have trouble fitting your tubular lunch meat. Oh, and you may want to stick that meat in the fridge when it's not in use the rest of the year. Salmonella is almost as nasty as your inflated ego.

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  2. Howie Feltersnatch4/12/2011 1:31 PM

    Dear King of the night...I don't look forward to your triumphant entrance into the city that is my warmslips...There is NO hope for the two of us.

    Tracy

    ReplyDelete
  3. churro4/12/2011 1:38 PM

    Let me try my hand at this...

    "Dear mistress: I find you alluring, enchanting and intoxicating. I should like you to know that you're priviledged to be considered a potential suitor to yours truly, and should you become the object of my undying affections, I shall lavish you with praise, gifts and attention befitting a delicate, exquisite creature such as you...

    "Also, I wanna put it in your ass.

    Anxiously waiting,

    Churro"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kat4/12/2011 2:44 PM

    HA!

    "...and they are deprived of me forever."

    I think this guy wrote me too. The once a year thing is new, though (and, I suspect, a lie).

    He had a meltdown when he realized that I really did mean I wouldn't consider being his girlfriend sight-unseen. I wonder how his methods are working out for him. :)

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  5. Jenny4/12/2011 7:17 PM

    Warmslips? :::shudder:::

    ReplyDelete
  6. J.L.B4/13/2011 1:05 AM

    sounds like some terrible romance novel writing. I'm surprised he didn't talk about her "lady softness"

    ReplyDelete
  7. Marnen Laibow-Koser10/04/2015 4:16 PM

    Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen! Tod und Verzweiflung!

    ReplyDelete

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