You've Been Loafed, Son!

Story Submitted by Tom:

Sandy and I met up in a park on our first date. She took out a cigarette and asked me if I wanted one.

"I don't smoke," I told her.

She lit hers up and blew smoke right into my face. "You do, now," she said, "How about it?"

I ineffectively fanned the smoke away from my face and stepped away from her. I said, "I'm good, and please don't do that."

She leaned close to me and breathed out, again, in my face. "It's a free country," she said, "I can do what I—"

I coughed loudly in her face. She jumped back but I stayed with her through the entire coughing fit. Her hands flew up, over her face, and she shouted, "Dude, stop coughing at me!"

I stopped coughing and said, "It's a free country. I can cough where I want."

She laughed, put out her cigarette, and said, "Now you're being immature. There's no reason to be immature."

"And blowing smoke in my face is mature?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "It's time for bread. Come with me."

I followed her to a market where she bought a loaf of Wonder Bread. Once we were outside, she turned to me, said, "It's time for bread," and she whacked me in the face with the loaf.

By the time I had recovered from the shock of the thing, she was skipping away, halfway down the block. Needless to say, it was out first and last date.