A Bang-Up Job

Story Submitted by Marlon:

Tiffany had a well-written profile up on a dating site.  Of particular interest was a part that read, "I had a gun pointed at me and lived to tell the tale."

I wrote her a message, including a statement along the lines of, "What a horrific experience that must have been.  What were the circumstances?"  I asked because I guessed that she wouldn't have put it up if she didn't feel like sharing.

Turns out, she didn't feel like sharing.  At least, not just yet.  She replied, "I don't want to talk about it.  It was a horrible experience, though."

Why write it in your profile if you don't want people drawing attention to it?  Anyway, she seemed more than willing to talk about everything else, and so I asked her out.

My first indication that things weren't all in order came soon after we sat down to dinner.  She asked, "I brought money, but you're paying for this, right?"

I stammered a, "Y-um, yeah."

She smiled and replied, "Good.  At least I didn't suffer needlessly.  You know, with the gun pointed at me and everything."

"Yeah, tell me about that."

She said, "Maybe some other time.  It still affects me a lot, though."  She opened up her menu and asked me what I recommended.  I mentioned three dishes I had previously tried from that place, and she said, "Ooh!  Maybe I can get all three of them?"  She looked up at me.

"Uh, if you want.  I think I'll only pay for one of them, though."

She frowned at me and asked, "Did I mention that I had a gun pointed at me?  I've probably lost years of my life from the fear alone."

I said, "And this somehow gives you special life privileges?"

She didn't answer that, but said, "After this, I was thinking we could hit up the Pavilion."  The Pavilion was a local mall, a place I didn't imagine as a suitable setting for a date.  She went on, "It won't take long, if you don't like the idea.  I just thought, seeing as I had a gun pointed at me, that we could make the time."

I said, "Sure.  Whatever."

She only ordered one entree, and after dinner, sure enough, we ended up at the mall.  As soon as we walked in to a Talbot's she looked around and said, "I wonder if anyone in here has ever had a gun pointed at them before."

After she looked around for a few minutes, I told her, "Tiffany, I'm going to head out, but it was nice meeting you."  I pointed at her, making a quick hand gesture not unlike that of a finger-gun.

She looked at it, gasped and said, "That's un-fucking-necessary.  Put your hand down!"

I made the same gesture with my other hand, then yelled, "Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!  Bang!" and pretended to shoot her.

She yelled something, shoved past me, and stormed into the mall.  Oops.  Guess she was kind of sensitive about that sort of thing.  Seeing as she had a gun pointed at her and all.