A Toothless Adversary

Story Submitted by Cindy:

David wrote me online and I checked out his profile. He was a handsome guy, based on what I could tell from his pictures. He didn't smile in any of his shots (fairly typical for online men) but I liked what I read and saw, so I wrote him back.

After we messaged a few times, he asked me out on a date. I said yes, as I liked speaking with him, and we had a good amount in common.

We met in person, and I was more than a little shocked to find that he was missing most of the teeth from the right side of his mouth.

"From a football accident a couple of weeks ago," he reassured me, "Serves me right for trying to catch the ball with my mouth."

It wasn't the fact that he was missing teeth that bothered me. It was the fact that, during dinner, he kept his mouth wide open, as if airing out his gums, and ran his tongue over and over the areas where teeth should have been. Every time he did that, which was often, he'd make a sucking noise to ensure that errant saliva didn't drip out of his mouth.

I asked him, "What are you going to do about it?"

He said, "Get my insurance to cover replacement teeth. Either that or make a set of wooden teeth, like George Washington." He slurped again.

We ordered dinner. He ordered mostly soft foods, like mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs. He sucked each one through where his teeth would have been, and he didn't use silverware.  That's right.  He sucked the food right up from his plate.  Yum.  It wasn't at all easy to ignore, but I wanted to be kind and supportive, so I did my best to be both.

I told him that I had a dentist friend who might be persuaded to do some work inexpensively.  To that, he reacted by swirling his tongue excitedly around his gums.

He snapped, "Stop staring."

I said, "I'm sorry.  Does it hurt to close your mouth?"

He said, "Yeah, but why would I want to?  I'm not ashamed.  It's a free country.  Does it really bother you?"  Then he leaned across the table with his mouth wide open and exhaled onto me, then sucked more food down, directly from his plate.  He then gulped down some water and sloshed it around his open mouth with his tongue, spilling it onto himself and the table.

I said, "I think this date is over."

He pointed to his mouth and said, "Because of this?  Who the hell are you?"  He pointed to my face and said, "You have two pimples on your face!  Holy shit, she's clearly not worth dating!"

He didn't understand, or he didn't want to.  It wasn't the fact that he was missing teeth that bothered me, but I decided that he wasn't worth the time anymore.  I looked for a waiter.  David asked me what I was doing and I told him that I was grabbing the check so I could leave.

He drank more water, swirled it around disgustingly, then choked and spat it all over himself.  "Shit," he said, "I'll be right back."

He stood up and made for the bathrooms.  I bolted for my waiter, gave him the money for my part of the bill, and left before David could return.

He called me shortly thereafter, as I expected him to.  I let it go to voicemail, and I only had to listen to about three seconds of epithets before deciding that it wasn't worth listening to the rest.