Pond Scum

Story Submitted by Chester:

I met Ellen on a dating site and she came off as very friendly and flirtatious.  We connected well, and when we planned the date, she even wrote, "Between dinner and dessert, we should schedule some make-out time.  Can we make that a definite?"  The weather was warm and an attractive woman wanted to kiss me.  I really looked forward to this date.

We had an early dinner and I was a little disappointed to learn, in person, how into herself she was.  She'd go off on every tangent as long as it was about her, and when I'd say something like, "I acted in local and regional TV commercials for two years," she'd say, "I act, too!  I've done a whole bunch of plays, like Annie Get Your Gun, Guys and Dolls, Kismet..."  Generally, it seemed as though she was the most interesting person to herself.

We made it onto the topic of her millions of friends, and she said, "Eric has a pond on his property, surrounded by trees, and in high school, we'd all get drunk and go skinny dipping.  We should do that, tonight!"

She pulled out her phone, called Eric, and then a half dozen other guys.  The idea of swimming nude with other men was a turn-off for me, especially as this was supposed to be a date.

Once she was finished with the phone calls, I said, "So is this no longer a date?"

She said, "It's going to be the best date ever.  You'll see."

We drove to Eric's pond, where Eric and this other guy were waiting for us, pondside.  They were in their boxer shorts already, and were dripping wet.  Ellen couldn't rip her own clothes off fast enough, and left a trail of them from the car to the pond.  She jumped into it, screaming, "High school!"

The two guys ignored me completely and followed her into the water.  Still hoping to get some, I stripped down and jumped in.  I swam up to where Ellen was standing in chest-deep water near Eric.

She turned to me and said, "I'm glad you're here," then turned to Eric and said, "How are you doing, handsome man?" then grabbed his head and plastered her mouth to his.

While this was going on, the other guy swam up close to me and asked, "Hey, you want to do anything?"

Without a word, I climbed out of the water, collected my clothes, and left.  I'm not sure if Ellen even noticed, although I did hear the other guy say, behind me, "Ellen, your guy is leaving."

Ellen wrote me a one-line e-mail.  "So how do you define a date exactly?"

I didn't write back, as I didn't think she'd understand the actual definition.