Have You Thought About Going Pro with This?

Story Submitted by Kendra:

Fred was a friend of a woman I had met at a party.  She had informed me that I'd possibly be compatible with her friend Fred because we had similar senses of humor.  I took it as a compliment at the time, but I've since revised my opinion to take it as an insult.

Fred and I were awaiting the main course when he excused himself to use the bathroom.  He returned with a huge smile on his face and said, "Guess."

"Guess what?"

"Guess what I just did."

I stopped buttering my roll and asked, "You just went to the bathroom?"

He said, "Yes, but guess: piss or shit?"

My mouth opened, at a loss for what to say.  Fred explained, "I'm a pro at being in the bathroom for just long enough for you to not know what I did.  I was in there too long for a simple piss, but way too short for a shit.  Now guess."

I said, "Um... shit?"

He clapped his hands and laughed so hard I thought his larynx would pop.  "No," he said, "Just a piss!  Ha!"

"Great."  I ate my roll, hoping that this game was over.

It wasn't.  A couple of minutes later, after sitting through a good amount of silence, he rose again.  "Part two!" he announced, and disappeared.  I looked around anxiously for our food.

A few minutes later, he returned with a grin.  "Guess!"

"Can this be the last time that we play this?  I really don't like this game."

"Guess!  Guess!"

I sighed, "Shit."

He laughed.  "Nope!  Just piss again!"

I said, "Okay.  Now let's stop with this game."

Our food arrived and he regaled me with tales of his adventures: "Most people can't ever tell.  The trick is to fake them out by either drinking a lot or eating a lot, and then staying in the bathroom for a certain amount of time.  Once, I kept a friend guessing ten times, and he got it wrong each time.  I should have people put money on this!"

When dinner was nearly over, he stood up and said, "Guess where I'm going?"

I said, "If you do it again, I won't be here when you come back."

The smile dropped from his face.  He said, "Are you telling me that I'm not allowed to use the bathroom?  Who the fuck are you?"  He stomped away, I hurriedly put enough money on the table to take care of my food, gathered my things, and left.

There were angry texts and calls, but he was so wrapped up with his "special talent" that he never asked me what mine was: ignoring the idiotic.