Story Submitted by Gigi:
Carl responded to my dating site profile, we messaged, talked on the phone, and set up a date.
When he arrived, I noted at once that his online pictures had stretched the truth a bit: he jumped out of his enormous truck wearing a Confederate belt buckle around his fat-ass belly and sporting a cap on his bald-ass head. He was 5'2" at best. My first thought was how to make it out of this date without being rude.
As I don't do rude, I sucked it up and went out to show him the beach, had coffee, then went back to my house, where I had a group of friends (men and women) come over because I couldn't stand another minute by myself with him.
He got drunk and hung out with my girlfriends and I instead of with the guys. Well, the girls were drunk too and my friend Jenny told a story about a man she dated who had an itty-bitty, teeny-weeny penis.
Carl said, "That's why I learned to lick my eyebrows... ladies."
If it wasn't over before, it was over now! I let him spend the night in my guest room as he was way too wasted to drive two and a half hours home. I spent the night hoping he would be gone by the time I got up.
Alas, he was not. I shoved him out the door and deflected the e-mails requesting to see me again.
I had to look up the "lick my eyebrows" comment, as I hadn't heard it before. The full phrase is, "I may have a tiny penis, but my tongue is long enough to lick my eyebrows." Well, good for you.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get it at first either, JMG...and now I'm not sure whether I should thank you or not. Ewwww.
ReplyDeleteIgnoring the eyebrow licking.. Why exactly would you take a first-meetup internet date, who you knew you didn't like, back to your apartment AT ALL? Let alone let him sleep over and then hope we was gone in the morning.
ReplyDelete^^ ahhhh yeah. What they said
ReplyDeleteHey, I can do push ups with my tongue AND win a three legged race all by myself.
“An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. 'Thanks for coming to my show, ladies.' ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘Help I'm trapped in a well, ladies?'"
ReplyDelete- Demetri Martin
That wasn't being nice. That was being a pushover.
ReplyDeleteIf you told him straight up that you were not interested he would of probably had more respect for you. Just sayin...
ReplyDeleteYup, you might as well have slept with the poor bastard, don't want to be rude or anything...
ReplyDelete^ agreed. Because as you pointed out:
ReplyDelete"belt buckle around his fat-ass belly and sporting a cap on his bald-ass head...I don't do rude."