The Layman's Critic

Story Submitted by Angeline:

Kevin was a Craig's List find and we spoke for a week or two before agreeing to meet.  There was a new contemporary art gallery in a nearby town, and I had mentioned that it was a place that I wanted to visit.  He recommended meeting there for our date.

The first red flag went up the pole when he showed up in a button-down shirt that was half-unbuttoned, torn jeans, and a ball cap with a picture of a pig on it.  Class.

"Let's get this over with," he said with a grin.  Oh boy.

Inside the gallery, I'd stop to admire each piece, but he would snort or roll his eyes at everything.

He'd say, "Look at this, my five-year-old niece could spatter paint on a piece of paper like this."

Or, "How long do you think it took for this guy to draw three parallel lines on red construction paper?"

Or, "I could dip my nuts in paint, smear them around a piece of paper, and probably get it in here."

Finally, I got tired of him.  Why bring someone to a modern art museum if you clearly don't like modern art?  I asked him, "Do you do a lot of your own artwork?"

He said, "No.  I hate art."

I asked, "So why bring me here?  We could've gone anywhere else?"

He said, "We trade off.  This date we go where you like, next date we go where I like."

"And where do you like to go?" I asked.

He stepped in close, with a grin, and whispered, "The blow-job museum," and he winked.

I said, "I hear that's a very small museum."

He stopped grinning, and I continued on in the gallery, finishing up as quickly as I could.

Once outside, I made some excuse to leave, and we parted.  Over the following two weeks, he sent me the occasional text that read some variant of, "hey want 2 visit that museum i was telling u about? ;)" but wouldn't you know it, I never made it there.  At least, not with him.