The Aliens Among Us

Story Submitted by Jennifer:

I wrote to Gabriel online after dating a series of uptight, stuffed-shirts.  Gabriel was just the laid-back, funny kind of guy that I wanted to hang out with and see what came of it.

During some of our early messages, he wrote me that he and his friends went UFO hunting on a regular basis, and that they made frequent sightings.  I must have remarked something like, "That sounds like fun.  Maybe I'll come with you sometime."

The last e-mail he wrote me before our date promised, "an evening you'll never forget."

Gabriel drove up to my house about a half-hour late... with two other people: a guy and a girl.

He introduced me to Fred and Callie, a couple overflowing with sloppy, wet affection and obviously baked out of their gourds.

I asked Gabriel, "This is a date, right?"

He shrugged.  "Sure.  We're going UFO hunting!"

On our way out there, Fred tried to get me to make out with Callie the entire time.  Callie licked the back of my neck and I swatted her away.  She licked the other side of my neck and I hit her away again.  She laughed, sat back, and made out with Fred.

Gabriel wasn't much of a talker.  When he did speak, it was about the various aliens he, Fred, and Callie had encountered.

"There was this kind with gray heads and big eyes, but then there was also this kind that was tall and had blond hair and was of two sexes..."

After about 40 minutes, he parked the car and we all stepped out of it.  We were in a field that was barely lit by the sliver of moon in the sky.  Far off, down on the other side of the clearing, a lone light beamed off of someone's back porch.

Fred said, "Callie and I saw, like, twenty UFOs here once."

Callie said, "I wanted them to beam up a cow so bad," and farted.

Fred said, "I'm gonna get ya!" and chased the laughing Callie down into the field.

I turned to Gabriel.  "How long do these UFO hunts typically last?"

He said, "I brought enough provisions to last us into the dawn.  UFOs can only be seen at night because they're sky-colored during the day."

"What if we need to go to the bathroom?"

He pulled a green plastic bucket out of his trunk and said, "And if we get cold, we snuggle up.  My mouth gets cold sometimes," he added with a smile, and swirled his tongue around his lips.

Ugh.

On the plus side, he had packed pretzel sticks and salt & vinegar potato chips, so perhaps the evening wouldn't be a total bust, after all.

It wasn't until close to midnight that things started to go wrong.  We were all sitting in a clump, huddling together for warmth, when Fred screamed, "Bugs!  Bugs!  All over my dick!"

He jumped up and smacked himself all over, shaking the "bugs" off.  Callie swayed back and forth, singing the words, "All over my dick" over and over.  Gabriel put his arm around me and pressed his lips to mine.

I pushed him away and said, "I'll only kiss you if we meet an alien."

He said, "We won't meet an alien.  I made it up before about us meeting them."

I said, "Then I won't kiss you.  Sorry."

"Will you make out with Callie for us?"

"No."

Gabriel tried about 500 more times to put the moves on me, but each time I either moved away, or stood up, or said something to Fred or Callie.  I think he was betting on tiredness to make me pliant, but I wasn't about to give him the upper hand.

We were out there until 4am, and only because Gabriel remembered that he had work at 5:30.

No one spoke much on the way back, and as I left the car, Gabriel said, "We need to debrief."

I said, "I think I'll be all right.  Thanks for the UFO hunt, though."

He jumped out of his car and walked up to me.  He put his hands on my shoulders and said, "You know what I mean when I say 'debrief,' right?  It means less talking and more about taking clothes off."

I pulled away from him gently and said, "That would be nice, for a second date."

He certainly did try for a second date, but he was just too weird for me.