"Destroying the Earth with My Ass"

Story Submitted by David:

On my date with Alexa, the first thing that stuck out was that she had to pick up every piece of trash that we passed, and I mean every piece of trash – plastic bags, candy wrappers, used napkins, and cigarette butts. 

She reassured me, "Don't worry.  I'm going to wash my hands."

That was of small comfort.  What if she picked up someone's snotty tissue?  Or diabetes test strip?  Or chewing gum?

Yes, she found all three of those and yes, she touched them all.

In her defense, the first thing she did when we entered the bistro was head for the bathroom.  I hoped that she would be thorough in her cleansing.

She was gone for a long, long time.  I mean, upwards of 25-30 minutes.  When she came back, I joked, "A lot of trash in the bathroom, too?"

That started her off on a magnificent tirade about how she just couldn't understand why people didn't take better care of the planet.  "It's the only one we have," she explained, "You'd think that would mean something to people."

"True, but I think that we have more immediate problems," I said.

Her eyes bugged out.  "Than the planet?  What's bigger than the planet?  It's the biggest thing in the whole universe!"

Whoops.  Someone asleep during first grade?  I let her go on... and on... and on...

Our food was served and she continued and I let her.  She even ended one speech with, "...and I'm tired of people like you who are so blasé about it.  Think about all that I've done in the hour that you've known me tonight.  I've probably saved six tons of carbon monoxide from entering our atmosphere.  I deserve a thank you, but do I get one?"

I shrugged.  "Thanks."

It went on.  Then, she said something that made me freeze:

"I try to fart as little as possible."

I asked, "Won't your head explode?"

Ignoring me, she went on about how gases released in farts are awful for the planet.  All of the farts of all of the people, livestock, plants, etc. was sapping our air of precious flavor crystals or something like that.  I don't know.  I tuned out.

By the time we were done, it was dark outside, and I just know that we walked by some trash that she missed.  WE'RE DOOMED.

The date ended fine, even if she implicitly blamed me for destroying the earth with my ass.