Five Alarms. Five Brain Cells.

Submitted by Tracy:

I met Robert at a community picnic. He was a volunteer fireman and a single dad.

"My wife died in a fire. Ironic," he said shortly after I met him.

The stare I gave him must have been enough. He went on. "Kidding. She's in Vegas with her lover."

He paid plenty of attention to me, and we were each full of questions for each other. I was impressed with his public service career, and he was impressed with my work as a psychiatrist. We spoke all through dinner, and I gave him my number when everything was closing up.

After a week, he hadn't called, and I surmised that I wouldn't be hearing from him. I thought about calling the fire department where I knew he volunteered, but that would've been a bit obsessive. He had my number. He knew what to do with it.

I had arrived home on a subsequent Saturday night after seeing friends. It was around one in the morning. I was about to climb into bed when I heard a fire engine siren some distance off.

Nothing too unusual. I climbed into bed and opened a book.

The fire engine whined louder.

"Must be something close by," I thought.

Louder.

"Must be in my neighborhood."

Louder.

"Oh no... it must be on my street."

I hopped out of bed and looked out my window. A giant fire engine, sirens screaming and lights flashing, stopped right in front of my house. Neighbors were opening their doors to look.

I ran downstairs, panicked.

Banging on the door. "Fire department! Open up!"

I ran for the door and opened it, convinced that my roof was on fire.

Robert stood on the doorstep, in a full fireman's uniform. He pulled off his helmet.

"Tracy!" he said.

I word-vomited, "Oh my God! Robert! What's wrong? Is my house on fire? What's going on?"

"No, no. I just wanted to surprise you."

I could barely hear him over my heartbeat, so I asked him to repeat himself. He did. He had done it to surprise me.

I took a minute to catch my breath and figure out what to say.

I asked, "Are you fucking crazy? A fire engine? At this time of night? Waking everyone up? Scaring me to death?"

He became defensive, "Hey, I did this for you. I wanted to give you the best surprise you've ever had."

"Flowers! A nice dinner! A play! A hike! A trip to the zoo! You surprise me with a fire engine? Banging on my door?"

"Yup!"

"Get away from me!"

I slammed the door shut between us, and, shaking like never before, called the police.

I heard him yell, "Fucking bitch!" from the front yard, and I heard the fire engine moving. I was afraid that he was going to drive it into the house, but he blasted the sirens and drove away.

The next day, I called up his fire station and demanded to speak to the chief. He was very understanding, mentioned that Robert had a record of disciplinary problems.  I had him fired.

He wasn't arrested for that stunt, but last I heard, the city was investigating him for something else, regarding embezzlement.

Definitely the strangest and most unwelcome surprise I've ever had from a guy. I laugh about it now, but I'm sure that the entire incident probably shortened my life somewhat.