Don't Check Your E-mail That Day

Submitted by Milos:

There's too much information, and then there's a date with Jessica. 

Some of the info she sent me, online before our date, was very forthcoming.  She said in one such message, "An ex-boyfriend got me pregnant, but I lost the baby."  In another, "I was in an amateur porno film in college."

These sorts of admissions, I thought, were rather personal, but I took it to mean that she trusted me, and I didn't discourage her sharing of them.  She said that she had "settled down quite a bit," and wasn't the wild girl that she used to be.  She seemed nice, as far as I was concerned, so what harm was there in meeting her?

When I did, we sat down for brunch and she shifted herself around in the booth.  She leaned in and whispered, "You should probably know that I'm burning."

I asked her for clarification, and she said, "My vagina.  It's kind of burning today."

"Maybe you should see a doctor?" I suggested.

She said, "I will, if it lasts."

Not five minutes later, after we had ordered tea, she stood up and said that she had to go.  I offered to drive her anywhere she wanted, but she said that she'd be fine.  She just had to go.  So she went. 

I paid for the teas and left.  An hour later, I sent her a text, asking her to shoot me a message once she was able.

She texted back, "Didn't feel any chemistry.  Sorry!"

I wasn't sure what I had said or done in those less-than-five minutes during which we spoke over barely-drank tea. 

I texted back, "Okay.  I hope your vagina's okay."

She texted in response, "OMG it isn't.  I'll write you later all about it."

Her vagina e-mail never arrived, but a week later, another message did: "Sorry I've been out of touch.  I'll send you that e-mail soon.  Promise!"

I'm still waiting for it, but certainly not with bated breath.