Submitted by Gerry:
Andrea and I actually met at a local beach while I was on a walk. We were both there with groups of friends, but had gone off on our own for a bit. She was beautiful, had a great smile, and looked a little too good in a bikini. She had to have a boyfriend.
She didn't, and she gave me her number. All was awesome. We set up our first date. I thought dinner and whatever-happens-afterward. She was on board with dinner, but wanted to return to the beach where we had met, afterward. It was a drive, but I was smitten, and smitten guys do stupid things.
Dinner went very well. The whole time, I couldn't help asking myself, "Why is this girl single? She's smart, funny, and has everything going for her."
She alluded to former relationships and that made me feel a bit better. After all, at least she was able to maintain a relationship, for however long it lasted.
As I said, dinner was great, and afterward, we climbed into my car and drove to the beach.
It was deserted. I spread out a blanket, we cuddled up close, and we began making love.
It all sounds great, right? It was. Until after a particularly passionate moan, she said:
"Gerry, impregnate me."
Come again?
"Please," she said, "Give me a baby."
60 to zero in less than a second. Crap, crap, crap.
I slid my way out of her (I was wearing a condom). She pulled me close. She whispered, "Take off the condom."
I said, "That's too far for a first date. At least for me."
She curled her fingers around me, pulled off the condom, and drew me close. Ugh. No.
I pulled away. "Not going to happen," I said, "Sorry. I can't do that, now."
She sat up, looked at me, and then out at the ocean. She looked very sad, then shrugged, put her clothes back on, stood up, and stretched.
"Ready to go?" she asked.
I felt really bad for her... she must have felt awful. I repeatedly assured her that it had nothing to do with her... it was just too early in a relationship to consider having kids!
She didn't respond to anything I said, so I finally just shut up.
"Have a good night," I said to her when I dropped her off.
She said, "Yeah," and left my car.
Sucks, because otherwise, she was awesome.
way to dodge the baby bullet!
ReplyDeleteNext time a guy is bad in bed, I'm totally gonna use "impregnate me" to get him to stop. That was fucking awesome!
ReplyDeleteI mean, it sucks that she meant it, but how cool is it that she actually said that?
Poor crazy girl, she took a leap by asking that, but seriously, only crazy guys or douchebags just wanting sex would oblige that request.
ReplyDeleteBiggest sympathy goes to OP though, didn't get to finish.
Wow, that's sad. I guess she just wanted a baby without having to get married, or maybe she was desperate to get married and was looking for a shotgun wedding. Money for child support?
ReplyDeleteOr she WAS married and couldn't have a kid with her husband?
Either way, you dodged a real bullet here!
I thought fifth base was anal?
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that she was bored with the sex and wanted to end it. OP must have a tiny little string bean.
ReplyDeleteI didn't expect the, "Gerry, impregnate me" line. I'm sure she had her reasons, but still this is something you talk about.
ReplyDeleteYou should have impregnated her face!
ReplyDeleteTo cum or not cum in her?
ReplyDeleteCons (negative outcome): Your selfish normal existence gets blown out of the water by the unplanned and (relatively) sudden arrival of a baby.
The mother soon reveals herself to be a psycho bitch who wants child support. You don't enjoy her company in the least, but she won't let you enjoy pushing the baby carriage.
To make it worse the child is handicapped. Every other woman you date must be informed about the financial and emotional drain of the beach child.
You rue the day you let your penis do the thinking.
Pros (postive outcome): You get child who turns out great, a lucky end to an impulsive decision. Who knows, maybe the woman was not at all crazy, but just acting on an inspired impulse -- she knew you were the one.
In truth, there are many unplanned people in the world. The granddaugher of Ernest Hemingway, Margaux Hemingway, for example, was named after the bottle of wine that lead to her conception. OK, her life was a mess and she committed suicide, but maybe there are positive examples, too.
^ Or he could spike her coffee with Plan B the next morning and push her down a set of stairs. Problem solved.
ReplyDeleteAwesome? She sounds like a big bowl of crazy to me.
ReplyDelete""Gerry, impregnate me."
ReplyDeleteCome again?"
--> No you only need to do it once to impregnate her
Full respect for not giving in and going bareback. Not many guys could do that in that situation.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I would have kept the condom on, finished up, and *then* ended the date.
Ususally when I want to get pregnant, I just say I want to "really feel" my partner. No need to explain; after all, I just want the ground-up fetus for fertilizer for my cannabis crop.
ReplyDeleteOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Fizziks. Is ground-up fetus really better for weed than the bodies of your enemies? If so, we need to talk.
ReplyDeleteSeven-Thirty, every comment you make makes me die a little more inside. Jesus Christ, man, way NOT to add anything interesting to the conversation.
Hmmm -- Not to sound like porn but this one really hit a nerve.
ReplyDeleteI had a vasectomy years ago and met a nice woman a little too far above my league. She was into the comedy routine and I was pushing it for all it's worth.
Our second date ended up at her place and her whispering into my ear that she wanted to be pregnant and have my baby. WOW -- What a turn on and I performed like never before. After a couple days she pretty much broomed me.
I still smile about that weekend and have a tinge of guilt about it to this day!
@2:09 - That is the first thing I thought too. According to the Urban Dictionary, we are correct. Having a baby would have been losing the entire game.
ReplyDeleteThank God you didn't get her pregnant! That poor baby would have had a dad named "Gerry" instead of "Jerry".
ReplyDeleteFizziks: Have you been watching Asian horror again?
Nah - it makes me hungry.
ReplyDelete