Submitted by Neva:
Corey had written in his dating site profile that his ideal first date would be a light dinner followed by a walk in a park, where he could play his guitar for any willing woman.
I like dinners, I like guitar music, and I liked the way that Corey sounded otherwise, so we made a date of it.
Sure enough, he brought his guitar with him. He asked if we could take a walk and if I would mind listening to him play. I didn't mind at all, and we found a park bench.
He opened his guitar case, but there was no guitar inside. However, there was a flute case.
He looked up at me and smiled. "I don't really play the guitar," he confessed, "but I do play the flute. It's similar to a guitar. Would you like to hear it?"
I was a combination of surprised, perturbed, and unimpressed, but before I could reply, he whipped out his flute and played "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Twice.
He asked me if I wanted to hear another song, any one at all. I asked him if he could play, "The Shadow of Your Smile."
He played "Mary Had a Little Lamb" again, then stopped and smiled at me.
I was about ready for dinner by this point, but he wasn't through yet. He asked me if he could play "Mozart's flute solo" for me.
I expected another round of "Mary Had a Little Lamb," but I was surprised. This time, he played, "Happy Birthday To You" with the talent you'd expect from someone who had never played it before.
I said, "Happy birthday to me. Good job. Ready for dinner?"
He asked me, "Can I play the flute for you again after dinner? I know some show tunes."
I told him, "Why spoil me? You don't want to put all of your best stuff up front."
At one point during dinner, he offered to take his flute out and play a song from The Music Man, but I told him that the cafe was probably not the best place to break out the flute.
After dinner, it was dark out, and I wanted to go home. He said that he wanted to play a new composition, "My own first symphony. I know you said not to put my most impressive stuff up front, but what the hell, right?"
Right. He pulled out the flute right there on the sidewalk and played, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" over and over.
"I'm going to head home," I told him.
He finished the movement and bowed. I clapped. He told me that he hoped to see me again. I told him that we'd see, and I took off.
"Mozart's flute solo" sounds dirty.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I know of Motzart, it IS dirty JMG...
ReplyDeleteBoring.....
ReplyDeleteDo you still hear them in the night, Neva? The screeching of Mary's lambs?
ReplyDeleteCorey deserved a truckload of verbal abuse. How polite of you to refrain from dumping it on him.
ReplyDeleteI think you just got trolled in the real world, Neva.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think in the retelling, you need to have him play "Never Gonna Give You Up" each time, so that way, you'll be trolled AND Rick Rolled!
LOL @ Fizzkis!
ReplyDeleteDamn you Nikki! You beat me to the Rick Roll! NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo.......
Sounds like he had a sense of humour and you didn't. I could be wrong though.
ReplyDeleteThat date sounds like it was from the depths of hell. And I'm even a flautist.
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ReplyDeleteArchitect, don't feel too bad; I spent half the day with that fuckin song stuck in my head simply after *mentioning* it. A sacrifice I gladly made for the good of this forum.
ReplyDeleteAnd @1:18 - I'd agree with you except for the fact that he never let Neva in on the joke. It's one thing to pretend that you're a guitarist and show up with a flute. Okay, haha, moving on. I'll even be generous and say that informing your date (who's still digesting the fact that she's been lied to for weeks) that you're going to play her some symphony and then bust out with "Happy Birthday to You" or "Mary had a Little Lamb" could be funny. But to keep doing it, straight-faced, without letting your date know that you're just trying to be silly...that's just being a dick, not having a sense of humor.
He probably plays the skin flute as well.
ReplyDeleteWhat a weird date. If he thought he was being funny and cute, he failed miserably. I don't know why you clapped for him; I would've told him he was an idiot as well as a liar for saying he played guitar when he didn't.
ReplyDelete-Baku-chan
you are lucky he didnt rape you with that flute. that would have been both painful and potentially off key.
ReplyDelete@1:18 - in addition to all the truth that Nikki just graced you with, consider Neva's reply here: I told him, "Why spoil me? You don't want to put all of your best stuff up front."
ReplyDeleteClearly, she did have a sense of humor about it. But Corey was a one-joke pony. There is only one line that you can keep doing over and over and it stays funny, but it's about your mom and it's not so much a joke as the truth.
if i ever come across women like this on a date the flute would end deep up the persons butt she will be playing whit the butt checks not whit mouth anyways they guy turn out to be a jack ass whit a flute
ReplyDelete^Please throw yourself off a very tall building. If that comment is any indication of your intelligence/maturity level, the world will be much better off without you.
ReplyDeletecan a person joke people take shit so seriously this days i know better then that matter off fact i am gentleman
ReplyDelete^ It's hard to take a joke when it doesn't sound like one. Maybe if you had some writing skills it would have been more apparent.
ReplyDeleteEnglish is not my second language for you information
ReplyDelete^ I think you mean English isn't your first language?
ReplyDeleteDon't post dumb "jokes" until you can at least type them clearly.
-Baku-chan
the last 7 comments are GOLD! Gold Jerry! Sometimes these comments write themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm willing to bet you made the guy pay for dinner before you bailed on him.
ReplyDelete@ 12:03, do i smell a racist? I think i do! Shouldn't you be at your KKK konvention instead of trolling here?
ReplyDeleteBaku-chan, I think you're missing the only joke that illiterate troll made that actually clearly came across as a joke.
ReplyDeleteI thought you only used "nor" with "neither," and if you used it with "not" or any other negative, it would be a double negative, and therefore, terrible English?
ReplyDeleteAlso, 2:12 was obviously misspelling "convention" to play on the "KKK"'s overuse of k's.
Please stop using the n-word! It makes you appear incredibly ignorant and negates your attempts at sounding smarter-than-thou.
LOL @ Fizziks! Gold Star commenter status achieved!
ReplyDelete"They see me trollin', they hatin'."
ReplyDelete