Submitted by Roy:
Helen and I had a lunch date at an outdoor cafe in a park. We were talking about this and that, when out of the blue, she asked me about my love life.
I didn't have a problem talking about it, but it seemed like she was really champing at the bit to learn about my past. I gave her the five-sentence, general background. It was all that she really needed to know. That seemed to satisfy her, and I didn't ask her about hers in return.
A little while later, we were on the subject of friends, and I told her a story about my friend, Samantha. Samantha and I had been out camping, and she was terrified of bears, and so she thought that she heard one outside, etc. The story itself doesn't matter.
Helen, though, fastened onto Samantha at once. "She's your friend? And you went camping together?"
I said, "Like three years ago."
"Did you guys sleep together?"
Ignoring all alarm bells that were ringing like Notre Dame, I reported the truth. "Yes."
"You made out and everything?"
"That's right."
"With your friend?"
"Yes."
"On a camping trip?"
"Correct."
"Your friend?"
I asked, "Why are we talking about this?"
Helen said, "I'd like to meet her."
"Why?"
Helen cracked her knuckles. "I'd just like to meet her."
"You going to kick her ass? She has a boyfriend now. It was three years ago."
Helen asked, "So you're not friends anymore?"
"We still are."
"And her boyfriend's cool with your history?"
I said, "I don't even know if he knows. What does it matter?"
"He doesn't know?"
I shrugged. Helen stood up and excused herself to go to the bathroom. She never came back.
i will say this of that situation, i can see where you'd have alarms because her persistant questioning would signify a touch of a jealous streak..with that i'll add, being that i'm a female, it's usually not a good sign in your favor (i'm sure she got the same alarms) that you "slept" with a girl you call a "friend"..your honesty was good, but sometimes some stories are better left untold...
ReplyDeleteWhy did you put "slept" in quotes?
ReplyDeleteI've had sex with people who are still my friends (female, btw). Why should that set off alarm bells? I'd guess that most people wind up sleeping with one of their friends at one point, or remain friends with an ex.
ReplyDeleteSome people are used to bad break ups, some people have split up with people because it just wasn't meant to be and can still be friends.
ReplyDeleteJulie, thanks for pointing out you're female ;)
The best policy is to not talk about past sexual partners. Period. Maybe if someone was a very, very important partner, but only if you really trust the person you're telling. This is ALWAYS dangerous territory and best left alone, especially in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I write that assuming one has a safe sexual history and doesn't need to discuss physical "issues," if they get to the point of gettin some...
ReplyDeletePast romantic/sexual history...
ReplyDeleteGenerally it is not a good subject for a sober first date. Guys don't want to hear about how into someone else a woman was. The sexual aspect awakes jealousy and the emotional part is irritating. (I mean, why the fuck do I want to hear about this other guy?)
If her ex was cool and accomplished, it feels like a comparison that she doesn't think other men can live up to. If her exes were jerks, then a guy starts wondering why he's next in line. Sort of like Groucho Marx not wanting to be a member of a club that would have him.
For women, who both desire and dislike being sexually objectified, I imagine the comparison with other women is not pleasant.
It's hard to say from the OP's account whether he was baiting Helen with the girl scared of the bear story. He specifically mentions the woman by name in this account (Samantha). If he mentioned her name in his story, that would be a warning bell for the woman.
Why after three years would it be necessary to bring up Samantha, of all friends, the girl who made sex in a tent more exciting because she pretended that she wanted to be on the bottom hiding under the guy in case the bear swatted the tent.
Sometimes the rules are made to be broken, though.
I don't see why the person you're in a relationship with can't be your friend at the same time.
ReplyDeleteYes, the girl was a little persistent and immature about the situation, but the OP should know better than to bring that up on a first date. Rule #1: never tell stories about other girls to girls you're dating, no matter how innocent they may seem. They don't want to hear it. End of story.
ReplyDeleteWell I do agree that the girl in this case was asking questions that were out of bounds and overreacting to them, could have been that in the past she was burned by some cheating partner and that was rearing its ugly head. Maybe she needs to deal with whatever trust issues and insecurity problems she has before jumping into the dating pool.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that if a guy casually told me he had sex with his "friend" I wouldn't see him again. I would be worried about his maturity level, his ability to commit, and also about whether he had an STD. Just being honest. I wouldn't go all nuts like she did though. I just wouldn't go on a second date.
ReplyDelete9:18 - Yeah, I forgot that I was entering my name and not posting anonymously. I provided the gender clarification because I think most people would assume that an anonymous poster talking about having casual sex with friends with no emotional attachment is a man.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to point out, they were swapping stories and he brought up one about a friend that he thought was funny. *She* was the one who asked about the sexual aspect. The OP did no wrong here.
Great title by the way.
ReplyDelete8:56 - Even if the sex with a "friend" happened several years ago? Because people (or is it just men) can't change?
ReplyDeleteI went to a small, liberal arts school; the only people to have sex with were your friends b/c you pretty much knew everybody. I'm still friends with a good number of the people I've had sex with, but I definitely have learned to broaden my dating pool now that I'm an adult. For someone to hold past indiscretions against people like me and the OP (especially when there are no long-term negative side-effects like STIs)is really sad. Granted, I wouldn't go talking about all the sex with friends I had in college on a first date, but chances are, if I'm telling a story about something silly a friend from college did, that friend is going to be someone I've seen naked. It happens.
I'm glad to see the comments here are mature, unlike the usual.
ReplyDeleteThe guy didn't bring this up - he was telling a story about bears or some crap like that.
ReplyDeleteHe was just honest at the questions.
Really - none of you have ever slept with someone you called a friend? Precisely what rock are you penning your comments from?
I can't help being curious about the "five sentences". Are they standard? What are they?
ReplyDeleteThe five sentences are:
ReplyDelete"Mostly I whack off. I've been allowed to penetrate a few people, but they've usualy been inebriated. I only remember a few of their names. Would you be interested in suplementing my masterbation routine? I've never molested a bear."
"I've got a deeply ingrained Oedipal Complex, which makes dating difficult. I have a job that doesn't make me feel fulfilled, but it pays well enough that I can afford to take girls out on dates and act like a big shot when I pay for them. Mostly I whack off and play video games with my bros. I'm not a cat person. Oh, and I'm not on the sex offender registry."
ReplyDeleteI limit my sexcapades purely to my enemies. And isn't that why God made roofies?
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with above ^
ReplyDelete