Always on a Dare

Submitted by Stephen:

Helen and I met online.  I wrote to her first, and she wrote back IN ALL CAPS.  It's a minor thing as things go, but it bugged me a little from the beginning.  In my second message, I wrote to her that she didn't need to SHOUT.  I could "hear" her just fine.

Her response?

"LOL OK," followed by the rest of her message, again, in all caps.  Aside from that, she seemed normal.  We decided to meet.

We took a walk before dinner, and my god, she never shut up.  "When I was six, my cousin taught me how to play 52 pickup with a deck of playing cards.  That was when I realized that people everywhere would try to take advantage of me for everything.  When did you learn that?"

I must have said something like, "I haven't found all people to be that way.  It seems to me that–"

"That reminds me!  In seventh grade, I went to a friend's family's farm.  They were like, super-wealthy.  My friend rode her pony all over the place, and I begged her to let me ride it and she said that she wouldn't because I had never rode on a pony before so I just stood there in the middle of the corral and cried and then her father came along and asked why I was crying and I told him and he told his daughter to let me on the pony and then I climbed onto it, it took off, and I fell off of it.  That's when I learned to stay away from ponies."

The girl never asked me a single thing about myself, and although her stories were absolutely fascinating, I was tiring of them.

She went on until she said, "The craziest thing I've ever done?" (without having been asked), "I once took a dump in public."

I stopped walking and stared at her.  I asked if she was joking, and she assured me that she wasn't.  An ex-boyfriend had dared her to do something crazy "obviously hoping that I would flash him or jerk him off or something," she said, "But I showed him.  I crapped in my pants."

I didn't say anything.  She went on, "It was okay!  I was like, ten feet away from his car, and I had a spare pair of pants in there.  I had to go change right after, of course.  But he never asked me anything like that again."

That pretty much sealed the deal: I wouldn't be calling this one again, regardless of whether she was putting me on or not.  I don't even remember much about how the rest of the date went, or how it ended... just that it did.