Submitted by Tracy:
Eddie said on his online profile that he was an accomplished flutist. While we were getting to know each other, I asked him if he would play for me sometime, and he said that he would. Every time I asked him about playing the flute, though, he would change the subject and move on to something else, abruptly enough to draw attention to itself.
At our first and only dinner together, I asked him more about playing the flute, and he got all in a huff and said, "Enough about me and the goddamn flute!"
I shrank back. This wasn't what I was expecting.
He went on, "Fine, you want to know what it's all about? I don't play the flute. I do this trick with my dick in which I can make it make a noise when I ejaculate. Someone once told me that it sounded like a flute. That's all it means. I don't play the flute, as in the instrument."
Whatever my face must have looked like at that moment, it seemed sufficient enough for him to take the hint. He smiled and waved his hands and said, "So that's my flute! Satisfied?"
Suffice it to say, he had a solo performance that evening.
No he didn't. He went out and banged some chick that wouldn't nag him to death about a goddamn flute.
ReplyDeleteSolo performance...I lol'd.
ReplyDeleteTracy's taste in music isn't very adventurous.
ReplyDeleteWell, you have to admit his personal ad was a little more sophisticated than "My junk makes funny noises when I jerk off!"
ReplyDeleteWell you did push and push until he broke and told you, it might have been just a lie to get you to shut up about it.
ReplyDeleteNot too long ago I decided to give online dating a try. As an inside joke that I may share if the moment ever presents itself I said on my profile that I was an accomplished flutist. Along comes Tracy. This women would not shut up about the damn flute. Will you play your flute for me, what's up with the flute, when are you going to play the flute and on and on. After I realized she was more into the flute than me and this date was never going to work I finally told her "I don't play the flute. I do this trick with my dick in which I can make it make a noise when I ejaculate. Someone once told me that it sounded like a flute. That's all it means. I don't play the flute" I can only imagine she must have gone to band camp one too many times
ReplyDeleteDear OP, when someone says they play skin flute, don't insist on a recital until after the first date. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you should have picked up after the first several times he quickly changed the subject that he probably didn't play the flute, or that he played the "skin flute" and just wanted to sound classy.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time though, would it have killed him to say early on, "It's an in joke between me and some friends that I posted to my profile as a dare. I don't really play the flute" and gotten her off his case?
But Nikki, what would we have to bitch about then? I need something to chuckle about during my peanut butter enemas.
ReplyDelete^ Puts a whole new spin on the crunchy versus smooth and creamy argument! LOL
ReplyDeleteSeriously OP, if dude wanted to show off his skills he would have taken you up on it the first time you brought it up. I think you should have gotten the hint after he dodged the 50th flute probe. (no pun intended)
...clearly he wanted to play the flute for you, but he was probably happy that he didn't have to do a performance in your "Madison Square Garden' sized snatch.
ReplyDeleteThat's a terrible comparison, 1:04. You can actually get people to buy tickets to Madison Square Garden.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if she would settle for a classical performance of the Kazoo inside her opera house?
ReplyDeleteFizziks, I want you to know that I spent way more time thinking about the logistics of a "peanut butter enema" than I ever needed to. Today is waaaaay too slow at work, obviously.
ReplyDeleteAwww, Nikki, it's fairly easy. You just need someone to jump on the foot-pump for you. Or at least I do; can't afford to keep replacing them.
ReplyDeleteIt was more about do you use creamy or chunky? Do you water down the peanut butter, with Fresca perhaps? How often would you give yourself a PB enema? What would the benefits of such a thing be? After all, peanut butter (creamy anyway) is one of the greatest foods to taste of all time. Bypassing that flavor just for the fat content seems...masochistic.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my ad at the bottom of this page was totally "High Quality Flutes for Sale."
ReplyDeleteThe give-away should have been that he called himself a flutist, not a flautist.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it obvious, Nikki? I use it undiluted as a plug to keep my Rum and Canola Oil cocktails from running the luge track too quickly.
ReplyDelete^That was the most disgusting metaphor I've ever read about defecation. :-D
ReplyDeleteBravo!
You guys don;t have to sit accross from her at work :(
ReplyDeleteSorry, Lebowski. Sometimes the plug fails. Mea culpa. I'll try to drink less than 4 gallons at lunch tomorrow.
ReplyDelete"Suffice it to say, he had a solo performance that evening."
ReplyDeleteGiven your tone, I'm thinking he likely had a much better time with his solo performance than he would have with you.
I have to take this lady's side. He said he had a talent for and interest in something, or that's how it came across to Tracy, and she took an interest. She had no way of knowing what this fellow really meant. What a classy gentleman! Not hardly!
ReplyDelete