Submitted by Rachel:
Tim was a guy I knew as an acquaintance at the gym. We worked out near each other, fell into conversation, flirted back and forth, and finally decided on a date.
Little did I know that Tim outside of the gym was totally different from the Tim I knew inside. His personalty on the date was completely different. He was a total asshole.
He showed up dressed as if he was going out for a beer night with his buddies, but that's not even what bothered me the most. We took a walk down a main street in a little downtown area when he turned to me and said (I'm not joking), "Want to see me do a split, bitch?"
Before I could reply, he lowered himself onto the sidewalk and did a split. I said, "Please don't call me 'bitch,'" and he stood back up.
"I just did a split, bitch. You'd think that you'd be impressed!"
I informed him again that I didn't like being called that.
You know what he said in response? I'll bet you can guess: "But what about my split, bitch? What about my split?"
I said to him that I wasn't about to continue the date with a guy who wouldn't listen to me when I told him that something made me uncomfortable.
He said, "Well, I'm not going to keep hanging out with some bitch who isn't even impressed when I do a split for her. You know how tough it is for a guy to do a split?"
"I—"
"Bitch? Do you?"
I thought about arguing and arguing, then realized that that was probably exactly what he wanted. So I took a moment to compose myself and said, "See you at the gym, Tim."
I turned and walked on my own down the sidewalk. "Bitch! Don't be like that! Hey, bitch!"
He completely ignored me at the gym after that, and despite it being awkward for a little while, I think that things worked out as best as they possibly could. I wanted to warn every woman on Earth about this guy.
At least you got the flag about dude needing constant ego stroking right away. Can you imagine what this guy needs to maintain an erection?
ReplyDeleteThis is just a huge misunderstanding. A splitbitch is a complicated gymnastics move. When you were too dense to notice that he had just done a splitbitch, you definitely deserved it when he called you a bitch for real at the end there.
ReplyDeleteI am doing a splitbitch as I type this.
^ That's an impressive splitbitch!
ReplyDeleteTim heard somewhere that women like assholes - he just hadn't worked out all the subtleties of being one and still getting women to like him.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Some people think "fat bitch" is a hilarious combo of words that never gets old. Those people probably laugh at all bodily functions, are mentally about six yrs. old and are quite repressed about sex.
@2:25
ReplyDeleteI often laugh when I fart. Sometimes when I laugh I can't help but fart.
@2:25 - some of us also mistake being prigs for maturity.
ReplyDeletehaha, I thought of Gulliver the whole time reading this.
ReplyDeleteI can't decide if I think this story is true or not...
Blah blah blah who wants to go on a date with a guy who does spilts anyways! M
ReplyDelete"Oh, I am SOOOO mature and don't find running jokes about obese women to be funny, and since *I* don't find it to be funny, then NO ONE should be allowed to find it funny because I am the *expert* on humour. Yes, I spell it with a 'u' so people know how mature and intelligent I am."
ReplyDeleteFor the record: I don't like gross-out humor, and I'm probably more mature and intelligent than you'll ever be, so NYAH NYAH NYAH!!
Whatever, I'm not part of the ABCOTD clique and I still think Gulliver is funny.
ReplyDeleteThere's an ABCotD clique?
ReplyDeleteYes, Jared. And, OMG, you're the queen bee!
ReplyDeleteAgreed with 7:28.
ReplyDeleteI support 7:28, anonymous makes a better comment community
ReplyDelete...yawn....what? You say something Gulliver?
ReplyDeleteNikki mentioned being with the cool kids when somebody didn't agree with her. That's the 'clique' in her mind. Guess they don't fit in with society, so they need to try to fit in anonymously here....Who knows. I agree. Fat bitch comments are lame.
ReplyDelete^Because Nikki was totally serious when she said that and was not making fun of herself and us, right? Yeesh.
ReplyDeleteThe clique and cool-kids comments are meant to be funny because the assumption is that no one actually thinks that way out of high school. The fact that so many somehow fail to see this says to me that there are people that still sadly see the world as cool people vs. awkward introverts. Taking someone's obviously self-deprecating statement as a sign of a big ego speaks much more to how you see yourself and the kind of chip that's still on your shoulder.
@Anon2:06 - Your "splitbitch" comment was perfection. Hilarious. :)
ReplyDeleteThe "fat bitch" running gag may not, by itself, be funny, but the way Gulliver has been writing them up is certainly amusing. It's both a tongue-in-cheek dig on trolls and something that lets daily readers have a little fun with each other. Certainly, you didn't laugh every time Urkel said, "Did I do that?" but the producers kept it in the show for a reason.
^ FedEx won't ship me; my parents tried that back when abortion was still frowned upon. Try UPS.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think cannibals would want me. I'm one of those skinny fucks that can eat whatever I want and not gain an ounce. They'd rather have a fat bitch like the OP delivered to them.
GODDAMMIT! That's it. Any time I'm being sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek and self-deprecating, I'm going to write a fucking disclaimer at the end of the comment so the mouth-breathing trolls get the joke. Jesus Christ, it's so hard to be both brilliant and unappreciated on the Internet.
ReplyDeleteTHAT WAS A JOKE. I AM MAKING FUN OF THE FACT THAT PEOPLE THINK I HAVE AN EGO. PLEASE DON'T BE MAD THAT I MADE A JOKE.
That's way too long to type every time, Nikki. How 'bout closing every joke with "Please love me." ;P
ReplyDeleteJokes are way funnier when you don't add a "jk" or "this was a joke" at the end of them. It's even more hilarious when people don't get the joke, and get in a huff about it.
ReplyDeleteNikki, please don't add "just kidding" to your posts. Add something that really nails in the joke, like "if you don't like it, go fuck yourself" or something.
*sigh* Again, no one got that I was joking about adding disclaimers to let people know when I was joking. My humor works on many levels. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd if you don't like it, then please send me a detailed email explaining why.
^That's not detailed enough.
ReplyDeleteNikki, just sign off. Go outside and enjoy the weather.
ReplyDeleteBecause you come off as an annoying bitch who thinks too highly of herself, that might just be my opinion though, I accept others may find what you say funny but they may just be laughing at you.
ReplyDeleteProbably not detailed enough for you, my advice: Stop trying so hard.
Splitbitches are indeed very difficult to pull off. :-)
ReplyDeleteActually, the OP had no idea that "bitch" is a term of endearment, much like "wench" of the Shakespearean Era.
I refer to all of my loved ones as "ho-bag."
OP you should thank your lucky stars that Tim did his splitbitches on the first date. Made it really easy for you to eliminate him from the To Do list.
ReplyDelete'Roid rage ain't pretty.