I Guess Men Really Are Pigs

Submitted by Heather:

Gabe spent most of the first part of our date talking about a pet pig that he used to own. His uncle, apparently, had been a farmer, and for Gabe's tenth birthday, Gabe asked the guy for a pig, which he gave him.

To hear Gabe tell it, he took especially good care of the pig for years and years, until one day, somehow or other, the pig became smart enough to use a door and escape.

"It was locked from the inside, so I have no idea how she could've escaped."

This was my cue to ask, "How was it locked from the inside?"

"It was my bedroom.  That was where she slept."

Then he asked me, "Do you keep any animals?"

I said, "A snake."

He screamed and fell backwards in his chair.  I think that he did the backwards fall intentionally, but on his way down, he banged his head against a nearby table.  An occupied table.  A occupied table with food on it, some of which landed on and around him.

He thrashed on the ground and shouted, "Aaaagh!  Snakes!" then stood, spun around, and bowed to me.  "Ta-da!"

The folks at the other table didn't seem very pleased, and a guy stood up from there and asked Gabe to pay for the food that he had ruined.

Gabe agreed quickly, then set his chair back up properly, sat down, and leaned in to me.  "I'm not really going to pay for anything of theirs.  But I'll pay for yours.  You watch."

I prodded him, "You were saying about your pig... did you ever find her?"

He nodded and said, "Took me a while.  I had to think like a pig."  He snorted, then snorted again.  For at least a full minute, he snorted like a pig.  I thought it was funny, in a little-brother-about-his-shenanigans sort of way.

A waiter went to the other table, and the guy sitting there explained that Gabe had offered to pay for the ruined dish.  Gabe overheard this, rolled his eyes, and whispered to me to meet him outside in five minutes.  He told me that his plan was to go inside and settle up our bill, but only our bill.

I agreed to his plan, and he left the table.  Five minutes later, I did as he said and met him outside.  I asked him, "So how did you find your pig?"

He snorted and beckoned for me to follow him.  I did.  He led me into a graveyard and snorted around the gravestones for a while.  He then sat down in front of a mausoleum and patted the ground next to him.  I sat, and he started snorting into my neck and onto my face.

I was having a good time, but I couldn't really see myself making out with this guy, so I pet him on the head and said, "Good pig."

He wrapped his arms around me and rested his head against my shoulder.  We stayed like that for a while and I asked him if he wanted to call it a night.

He had fallen asleep.  I rocked him a little and repeated the question.  He said, "Sure.  Thanks," and we parted ways.

It had to have been one of the weirdest experiences of my life, but for some reason, I'm really glad that I saw the whole thing through.