Submitted by Chris:
One of my worst dates (and I've had several bad ones) was with Marla. We were sitting there, enjoying our coffee in the early evening, when, during the middle of our conversation, she reached over and shook my shoulder, out of nowhere.
I asked her what she was doing, and she said that she wanted to be sure that I was "sturdy," whatever that meant. Then, a minute or so later, after I had nearly put it out of my head, she did it again. And then once more.
I moved my chair away from her and asked her to stop shaking me. She stood up, walked over to me, and did it a fourth time, seemingly as hard as she could.
I told her that if she didn't stop and explain herself, then I would leave then and there.
She sat back down and said that she had too many "soft" guys and wanted one who was "hard."
"You know," she explained, "One whose chest I can rub with my hands and be all... unnngh..." she moaned.
I asked her if she wanted me to take my shirt off so that she could see for herself.
"Gross. No." was her response.
When we were done with coffee, I noticed that she wasn't saying very much, and hardly looked at me. The general vibe I had was that she was ready for the date to end. I was growing tired of her, myself, so I figured that I'd do what both of us likely wanted.
"I'm probably going to head out," I told her, "It was nice meeting you."
Then she looked at me and said, "That's it? Already?"
Uh-oh. "Sorry. I can stick around for a little longer."
"I'm just a piece of meat to you?"
What the hell was she talking about? We hadn't even done anything! I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.
She stepped closer to me and said, "We're still hanging out, okay? Everything's okay," and clasped my hand.
Weird, but I found my voice and suggested that we go for a walk.
She said, "You mean, continue going for a walk. We're already walking."
I told her, "Yes."
She said, "Say it."
I asked, "Say what?"
She frowned. "That we're continuing to go for a walk, not that we're going for a walk."
"Uh..."
She grit her teeth at me. Things were crashing and burning. She repeated, "Say that we're continuing to go for a walk. It's so easy to say! Just say it!"
I was about to, just to placate her, but then I decided not to. I told her that I wasn't going to say anything of the kind. She started to yell, but it's hard to hear someone when you're not facing them and your legs are carrying you back to your car as fast as you can go.
Hahah, man I loved this one. Chick couldn't decide if she was picking out a cantaloupe or babysittig a kindergartner. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I was waiting for the moment when they stood up to go somewhere else, and she jumped on him and started humping. Or maybe she was going to do some parkour stunts off of his back as a way of impressing him.
ReplyDeleteThe she devolved into a standard abcotd crazy was disappointing.
She needs a sturdy man. She needs someone who can protect her, who can carry her to bed to have his way with her, who can handle it when she runs and jumps into his arms. Not some wimpy-ass skinny boy who would back down in a confrontation or run to someone else for help. She needs a real man.
ReplyDeleteAt night, she wants to lay her head down on his hairy chest and stroke his fur with her fingers. She needs to know that his back is sturdy enough to handle whatever work comes his way. But the main thing she wants to be able to do is have someone pick her up when she falls. Only this time, without a fork lift or a 2-ton 4x4 with a winch. You know, cause she's fat. Fat bitch!
It sounded like you were running away from her at the end.. thats pretty lame. That aside, yep, this was a pretty bad date.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Nikki. The mentally ill are scary to date but when they cannot hide their problems beyond a cup of coffee the only drama is how long before the OP makes his/her escape.
ReplyDeleteOf course Jared cannot give us anything better if the in-box pickings are slim. Unless, he is saving the good ones for a short story collection. He might also be taking the best ones, sprucing them up a bit and submitting as movie scripts proposals.
@ Seven-thirty - I vote Sandra Bullock to star in this one :P
ReplyDeleteThis chick was straight up nuts! I was still with her on the shaking bit because she explained it and moaned when she did so which makes it kind of hot. But then she wanted to narrate your walk...what the hell?
this date reads like some kind of bad dream, none of it feels like it connects. Almost as if the OP were leaving out some significant details....
ReplyDeleteI think at the end of that date I would have shaken the shit out of her. I mean really shaken her like the times I shook those babies to death. Then asked her if she would like to continue being shaken but start again before she could respond.
ReplyDelete"I'm just a piece of meat to you?"
ReplyDeleteI love that she says this to the guy after poking and prodding him to test if he was Prime or Choice. I wish he'd replied "No. Much less important than that."
@Fizziks
ReplyDeleteOr maybe "No way. I would enjoy eating meat."
^Yes!! Much more clever. Love it!
ReplyDeleteI've found, reading all these posts, that guys have a tendency to put up with a lot more crazy shit than girls do, before they run away screaming.
ReplyDelete