Submitted by Dave:
Miranda was an open-mouth chewer. At dinner, she'd smack her lips and take large, wide-mouthed chews with her food. I grew tired of it pretty quickly, and asked her if she would mind closing her mouth while she chewed.
Her response? She said that I'd be better off not being so controlling so early on in our "relationship."
She took special pains after this discussion to chew with an even bigger mouth. Big, slow chews.
Then, she started choking.
She reached for her Diet Coke and gulped some down, but it just made her choke more. She then grabbed for my water and that seemed to do the trick.
I asked her if she was all right. She nodded, wiped her face with her napkin, then went right back to staring at me and chewing, chewing, chewing away.
She asked me if it continued to bother me, and I told her that she could do whatever she wanted. I had long before decided to not ask her out a second time. I'm sure she found another slob who'll make her happy. They can chew at each other all day long.
...dude...imagine her chewing on your veiny meat roll....
ReplyDeleteI loathe open-mouth chewers...
ReplyDeleteshe sounds fat
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I would say comment about the way a chick eats on the first date. But then again, why the hell not.
ReplyDelete"She laughed, and chicken parts came out of her mouth. Ah, Miranda." - from a few weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteI'm liking the name re-use in a similar context, haha.
"She said that I'd be better off not being so controlling so early on in our 'relationship.'"
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure the relationship belongs in quotes. With this much passive-aggressiveness, I'm thinking her longest relationship may be 5 hours.
that is just nasty! M
ReplyDelete^ That wasn't really me.
ReplyDeleteThat's too bad Gulliver. If only there wwas a way to prevent that >cough "real profile" cough<.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Jared: Can "Miranda" be the name you always use for women with abhorrent eating behaviors? :)
ReplyDeleteIt's actually a coincidence. The fact that any of you memorize the names I switch in frightens me.
ReplyDeleteHaving your own cult no longer seems so cool, does it, Jared?
ReplyDeleteYay! Gulliver's legit now!
ReplyDeleteOn the contrary, having my own cult is awesome, provided that they continue to bring me tasty snacks and that Nikki continues to wear her special outfit on Tuesdays and Sundays.
ReplyDeleteI don't know - that giant duck suit doesn't allow her to hump that pumpkin without losing her balance. Can she switch it up to something else, Jared?
ReplyDeleteI love that I get just as much entertainment out of the comments section as I do the stories :)
ReplyDeleteI would not have let her have my water...
ReplyDeleteNo. We can't switch it up.
ReplyDeleteFizziks - I actually really like the duck suit, and I switch it up enough when I wear the angel wings and halo on Sundays. Changing to anything else would upset The Leader, and I don't want to upset The Leader because He is Good and provides me with worktime Lols and Kool-Aid.
ReplyDelete