Submitted by Franz:
I did a lot of dating last year, but none were more memorable than Shelly. Shelly worked at a local university as a low-level administrator. We met online, then met in person.
She was either really desperate or really horny, because this girl came onto me like gangbusters. It didn't hurt that she was gorgeous. I was a fan.
Dinner, then drinks, then an invitation back to her condo. Kissing, then touching, then an invitation to her bedroom. Off went the clothing, then into the bed.
She climbed away from me for a second. I figured that she was just adjusting her position. That's about when I felt it. Something brushing the hair on my upper left thigh. I looked down, next to me. There was something long, dark, and moving.
A snake.
I screamed like my hair was on fire, kicked away, and jumped out of the bed. Shelly yelled, "Watch out! You'll hurt her!"
"What the fuck?" was all I could say. I felt like I was going to faint.
She said, "I use snakes in bed. I didn't tell you?"
This would have been something that I would have remembered. In fact, if I was to make a list of "stuff that Shelly told me that I should remember," just above the time/date/location of our first date would be stenciled, "girl likes snakes in bed."
Shelly continued, "She's harmless. Her brothers are around here somewhere. Will you come back to bed?"
No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm not coming back to your snake-filled bed. What the hell did you expect me to do? Wrap my arms around it, hold it close to my sweet man-warmth and kiss its head? And you HAD to have known that you didn't tell me about the snakes! Wouldn't I have had some sort of reaction?
I grabbed my clothes and was out of there so fast.
Snakes. IT HAD TO BE SNAKES.
ReplyDeleteSNAKES ON A BED.
ReplyDeleteUnless by "hold it clost to my sweet man warmth" you meant "explore my insides like a colonoscopy hose" I'm not thinking head-kissing was the plan (for the snake at least).
ReplyDeleteyou're just mad because her snake was bigger than yours.
ReplyDeleteShe's harmless....but her brothers once got out and ate several rappers-turned-actors.
ReplyDeleteThe trick is to get the snake to coil around your junk and start squeezing.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised no one has yet to say, "I've had it with these MOTHERFUCKING snakes in this MOTHERFUCKING bed!"
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I hate myself for saying it.
^ Jared alluded to it, but thank you for getting it out into the open air. :)
ReplyDelete@Fizziks: Your Gulliver obsession is starting to border on the insane. I can't wait to read about the "bad" date between you two. ;)
Shelly would grow to discover that her "didn't I tell you about the snakes?" approach failed again and again, probably because she never did tell any of her dates beforehand - rather, she hoped that her passive-aggressive approach would take the pressure off of her and that some guy somewhere would just shrug and pretend she had mentioned it, just to get in her pants.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read "Something brushing the hair on my upper left thigh. I looked down, next to me. There was something long, dark, and moving." You know I thought that it was something completely different ha-ha. Hey at least it was only a snake he might be worse off if it was Shelley's "sweet man-warmth".
ReplyDelete@11:11 No one posted it because it was way to obvious. You now need to change your username to CaptainObvious
ReplyDeleteHahahahaha
DeleteThis counts as bestiality, right? I don't know what's more gross. Bestiality or the use of the phrase "sweet man warmth".
ReplyDeleteNom is scared of both after it got her father arrested.
ReplyDeleteArchitect = win. :)
ReplyDeletemeh, snakes are pretty cool, I wouldn't mind
ReplyDeletehahahaha! I love snakes, but not THAT much...
ReplyDeleteI love how casual she is "didn't I tell you I use snakes in bed?"
seriously?! do you think he would be there if you had?
Thank you, 5:57. That was a close one - we were almost having a good time. Luckily the ever-vigilant Interweb Truthiness Police are on hand to once again raise a palsied finger and, eyes a-twitchin', shout "Fake, fake, FAKE!!" We all know we're really in a tubes being monitered and harvested by machines. It helps us dodge the bullets.
ReplyDeleteOMG this date is so totally fake. By which I mean "Look at me". No, really, look at me.
ReplyDeleteLOKKIT ME!
ReplyDeleteThanks, 5:25, for catching the reference. :) I was worried that it had been overwhelmed by all the other noise in the thread.
ReplyDelete.... how does one "use" snakes in bed? No one has alluded to this yet i feel
ReplyDeleteFizziks - I was going to make some sarcastic crack abut my dad, snakes and sweet man warmth, but I just couldn't go through with it. It was all icky.
ReplyDeleteInsult: accepted and unchallenged.
Damnit, Nom, I was really hoping for some poking back. Not that I could really feel it thru all my subcutaneous insulation - but if you shove someone and the moshing doesn't start then the dental bills are all on you.
ReplyDelete^ Don't wipe it off... Leave it... You know, for science!
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's ok to love your pets.....Just don't LOVE your pets.
ReplyDelete^Another excellent movie reference!! <3
ReplyDeleteI'm with 8:46, besides one commentator's reference to use as a cock ring, what the hell does she DO with the snakes? Do they go in orifices? Do they bite and hang off... things? Do they just slither around bits to add friction? Are they poisonous and render her dates powerless so she can do whatever she wants to them? Hmm, I like where that is going. I'm happy now.
ReplyDeleteWhy does no one think 'colonoscopy hose' counts as a sex act with snakes? I promise if it happened to you you'd think so.
ReplyDelete^ Thanks for forcing snake butt rape visions on me. I had successfully blocked it out the first time.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the snake is used as a urethral sound?
ReplyDeleteWait! What if it was a boa! It could have been used for some creative erotic asphyxiation games! I can't believe we overlooked the most obvious answer. Sheesh.
ReplyDelete^ YES!!! Kill Bill Vol. 3
ReplyDelete12:47, you're my hero.
ReplyDelete