Submitted by Catherine:
This date is the one that taught me to always listen to the red flags, no matter how small.
Will contacted me on a dating profile site. He seemed actually intelligent and had more to say than asking me what my cup size was or if I would give no-attachment oral (no and no, incidentally).
He was a teacher and the youngest of five boys. He seemed really interested in my graduate work and in me. We had great, long phone conversations, and I found myself thinking about him more and more.
One thing seemed weird, though. When I would ask him about growing up with his brothers, or just about anything family-related, he would say, "Sorry, off limits." it seemed a weird thing to be silent about, but I assumed that he had a good reason. Still, his tone of voice, when he told me the few details he did, was scary. I dropped the subject, but it raised a tiny red flag.
He invited me out to dinner one night after work. His school was near the restaurant, but I lived a bit out of town, so I had to drive in.
I figured that most rush hour traffic would be heading in the opposite direction, but I was wrong. There was an accident and plenty of rubberneckers, so there was no way I'd make it on time.
I called to let him know, and he sounded really upset. "I made reservations and everything!" he said.
I replied, "I'm sorry, but I can't control the traffic. I'll get there as soon as I can."
"Get here as soon as you can," he said, and hung up.
He was upset; so was I. It didn't have to ruin the evening.
When I finally did show (fifteen minutes late), he threw down his napkin and stormed over to me from the seat. He was dressed handsomely, but his face was frowning.
He hotly whispered, "They've been giving me dirty looks for the past hour! Why couldn't you leave earlier?"
I said, "Did you not hear what I told you about the traffic?"
"Don't you dare take that tone with me–"
I was seriously taken aback. What the hell was this guy playing at? I was FIFTEEN MINUTES late! Was that really worth all of this anger?
I stepped back, implicitly volunteering to be the bigger person. I said, "Okay, okay. I'm sorry I'm late. Can we have dinner now?"
He turned a shade or two whiter, raised his voice, and said, "I wasn't finished! Now you're interrupting me?"
It was my ace in the hole. Screw it. I had to say it: "I'm trying to make peace here, and you're shooting me down like you do each time I ask you about your family!"
He shuddered, and I thought for a moment that he was going to hit me, but I stood my ground. He shouldered past me, left the restaurant, and I never heard from him again.
Feeling bad for the restaurant folks, I ordered a chicken parm to go.
Wait, so your answer to the question "What's your cup size?" is "No?"
ReplyDeleteKind of a low blow bringing up family shit when he's upset you were late. This guy was a total dick in general, but still. I don't talk about my family either, due to a bad family life growing up. In these situations, guys like me have 3 options...
ReplyDelete1) Tell the truth about our poor family life. People like you would consider this a 'red flag,' and experience has shown that people run out the door thinking we're fucked up for life.
2) Tell someone sternly that my childhood and family is better left not talked about. This has worked best for me in the past, and I'll continue to do so. I guess this is also a 'red flag.'
3) Lie about it, tell the person everything is great, then keep covering up reasons why I won't go visit family for holidays or introduce you to my mother and father, or why they aren't invited to gatherings, wedding, etc. Later we're left to defend ourselves about why we lied.
So, which of the three options would you prefer? Honestly...
Maybe she doesn't have boobs. Way to focus on the minutest of details. :P
ReplyDeleteScary-weird story, although I was definitely expecting the "they" in "They've been giving me dirty looks" to be his family members, who all were seated strategically around the restaurant, judging him for "not really having a girlfriend."
Maybe this guy just escaped The Family from the earlier date.
ReplyDeleteWill's dad made me laugh :)
ReplyDeleteOP, what's your cup size?
ReplyDelete@1:04 - Because this seems to really upset you, let me say what I and I think others would want. Option 2 is almost perfect, but why also say it "sternly"? That's a hostile act when someone was innocently asking. Your approach is what makes it a red flag, not the tactic.
ReplyDeleteSay, "I am estranged from my family and it's too hard to talk about. I'm trying to live a different life." If you have a Pushy McTaintstain that won't take no for an answer, you can say you won't be bullied into talking about painful stuff in as stern a manner as you please.
I was hoping this would end with him trying to grap the OP's butt and then the OP retorting with "Sorry, off limits." ZING! That was a perfect setup.
ReplyDeleteFizziks, I say it "sternly" / firmly because it gets the point across the first time, without it having to be ever brought up again. I'm a guy that dates other guys, and generally being stern isn't a big deal.
ReplyDeleteThe part that upset me is that the OP decided to bring this up out of the blue. If she had a problem with the guy saying that his family was off limits in the way he did, she should have brought it up then, and not be passive-aggressive by storing it away for future ammo. She waited until he was upset, then used a fault she found in him against him as defense. It's like saying "You're shooting me down just like the time when I wanted to (blah blah blah) and you (insert fault she finds with him) instead." Totally uncalled for. I can't stand it when people play games like this.
-1:04
If you change your mind about the oral, please let me know.
ReplyDeleteFizziks,
ReplyDeleteWhat do you tell your dates when they ask about your family? Then again maybe you have made peace with the reality.
Or is what you posted in the comments on a few stories back made up about your father was it?
OP, if no-attachment oral is not an option, what about no-attachment anal sex? Threesomes with your best friend? Don't be a total prude now.
ReplyDelete@9:56 - It should be obvious that if I am willing to talk about it in the comment section of some blog that I am open with my friends/partners about my family history. I am very much at peace with the truth.
ReplyDeleteYou wouldn't be the troll trying to bust my figurative balls from that same date story comment section, would you? Why go on this string of conclusion-jumping because I responded on the level to what someone had explicitly written?
@ 9:56
ReplyDeleteAwwww, Fizziks has an internet stalker!!! How cute!!
Damn Pushy McTaintstains are stalking you Fizziks! I think he needs a can of LeSeur peas to the head. ;)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, OP had one bit of info about him that she knew was a touchy subject and the first chance she got, she threw that shit in his face! Yes, the guy over reacted but that shit was completely uncalled for. I definitely wouldn't want to be in a relationship with the OP. Plus no BJs and no cup size, what a worthless date.
Glad to hear all that did not ruin your appetite, fatass.
ReplyDelete"They've been giving me dirty looks for the past hour!" how is that possible unless he was extremely early?
ReplyDelete