Submitted by Riley:
April and I had plans to meet up on a Wednesday night. She called me twenty minutes before the date to tell me that a pipe had burst in her house and that her entire room was flooded. She asked if we could reschedule. I told her that of course, we could.
On the next dating day that we had set up, she called me an hour before. This time, a tree fell on her house. No joke. She said that a rotting maple in her neighbor's backyard had fallen and smashed right through her living room window. Could we possibly postpone again?
I mentioned briefly how bad things seemed to happen on days we had picked out for dates. She admitted that it was strange, but was emphatic that she could prove it. I didn't press the issue and asked her if she was sure that she still wanted to go out sometime.
She said that she did and asked to put it off once more.
The third time, there was no phone call from her. She just didn't show up to the restaurant. I called her and called her and there was no answer.
Figuring that she had been playing me for an idiot the entire time, I went home. She was there, on my front porch.
I asked her what she was doing there. She asked me what I was doing there. I informed her that I lived there and asked her why she was there instead of at the restaurant where we had planned to meet.
She stared at me for a few seconds, said, "Sausage!" then ran down the sidewalk, down the road, and away from sight.
I pinched myself to make sure that it wasn't a dream, then went inside, ordered some Chinese food, and popped in The Godfather.
Do you have a sausage guy that comes to town, sort of like an "ice cream man?" Maybe she heard the jingle, and was running to grab dinner.
ReplyDeleteDude be trollin'.
ReplyDeleteThis story is gay.
ReplyDelete3:34 - I'm not really in favor of describing things that are bad or unfavorable as "gay" considering many of my close friends are gay, but on this forum (and, sadly, the rest of the internet), it's...kind of a running gag.
ReplyDelete3:29 - You did it wrong. It's "ghey."
Additionally, I don't care if the story's fake or not; I loved it. I could totally see someone in real life feeling so embarrassed for accidentally standing a guy up a THIRD time that she just yelped the first word that came to mind and ran off, blushing. I'm for this being true.
You mean like "Burma!", Nikki?
ReplyDeleteJMG always seems to post the most absolute bullshit on this site. Anytime a story is questionable to the point of being downright stupid, check the author. 9/10 times its going to be JMG.
ReplyDeleteAnon 6:41, JMG is the only guy who physically CAN post entries on this site. It's HIS site. The author, however, is Riley.
ReplyDeleteWe should ban JMG from this site. That would clear out the absolute bullshit nice and quick.
ReplyDelete^ Hear, hear.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously... that'd be pretty gay.
Or we can keep posting jerky comments that just show how ignorant we are of not just how this site works, but also society at large since all the dates are fake, and even most of the commenters are fake, in fact maybe all the other commenters but me are fake, wait, what if my computer is fake, too and there aren't even any interwebs?
ReplyDeleteBecause that would be totally heterosexual.
reality is an illusion Fizziks
ReplyDeleteOR we could all make profiles instead of posting anonymously so we could bitch about certain people rather than have a glorious anonymous community. Also Yes this story is totally gay.
ReplyDeleteAnon 3:34's post is gay.
ReplyDeleteJared likes stories that have a wtf element. There is often something unsaid, undone and unsatisfying, so that you will be drawn back to the site.
ReplyDeleteBut this understandable. IN real life Jared is an associate professor of Literature at UCLA who wrote his disseration on György Lukács, desire and the Theory of the Internet.
Whenever a student requests an extention for a term paper it is well known that they have 15 minutes to write a maximum of 600 words about a failed date.
Love it, 7:30!!
ReplyDeleteAhahaha!
ReplyDeleteI am in favor of the following:
1. Gays
2. Banning Jared
3. Everything on this site, including the Internet and the computer I'm reading this on, is fake.
4. I am fake b/c that's not me in my picture.
5. 3:34 has a bad case of the gheys
The OP's date kept postponing the date because she was gay.
ReplyDeleteI am 7:30 and I am in love with Nikki, but what if she is ugly? Worse, if she is a guy, I'll be gay. Nikki and Fizziks, you are regulars here. Write to Jared and ask him why he didn't print my submission.
ReplyDeleteIt is about two an undergrad who meets a grad student and in an obscure foreign language class. The only problem with the story is that I was more than 50% the bad date.
Hi, 7:30. I might be ugly (opinions vary), but I can assure you that I don't have a dick. Yet. I'm working on getting a detachable one, like in the song. I bet it'd be a real conversation starter.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I have no pull with Jared. We are occasional verbal sparring partners, but I'm fairly certain that my opinion--nor even the opinion of the beloved/much maligned Fizziks--could get him to change his evil ways and publish your date. My suggestion is to keep submitting it from various email addresses with various slight tweaks to the details, and maybe throw something in about Jewish girls. He might like Jewish girls.
Oh, and like I mentioned in another thread, I don't think we've had any dates pee themselves yet. You might want to put that in your date story too.
Good luck! :)
3:29 Here, I was not referring to the story's sexuality or anyone's sexuality for that matter. I have nothing against gay people, I was merely referencing a vlogger from youtube who would use that phrase to point out things that were absolute bullshit.
ReplyDelete^ This entire comment thread is pretty damn gay. I mean, just look at how many times "gay" was used! That's gotta count for something!
ReplyDelete- 9:18 / A gay guy
^ lol, it took you way more letters to say "nigger" the way you did.
ReplyDeleteHi Nikki,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your advice. I have only hooked up with one Jewish girl in real life. I guess that could be another date story... but nothing bad happened... I guess I could make something up.
/7:30
Hrmm, 7:30. That could be problematic. Maybe you could cast the role of "waitress at the restaurant" with a Jewish girl? It doesn't need to be the main focus; just a little spice in the story to pique Jared's interests. You'll have to let us know how it works out!
ReplyDelete^ Ooh, or be all like "let's go take a gas shower! My grandparents used to talk about those, and they always sounded fun!"
ReplyDeleteYou people disgust me! LOL Thank you. God I love this site.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering how long it would be before SOMEONE jumped on my "Jewish girl" bandwagon! Thank you, anons.
ReplyDeleteOn behalf of the Gay State of California, I would like to bestow April's Most Gay Award to The Architect. Congratulations! You've earned it!
ReplyDeleteGAY - "Often used to describe something stupid or unfortunate. Originating from homophobia. Quite preferable among many teenage males in order to buff up their masculinity." - Urban Dictionary
Hey, at least "sausage" was the first thing on her mind... :D
ReplyDelete