Submitted by Dorian:
My weirdest date (and I've had several that qualify) was probably with Melanie. She showed up with a necklace that spelled her name out with large children's alphabet blocks, like some sort of nursery school barbarian queen.
She was easily distracted and more excitable than a hummingbird on twelve kilos of speed. I asked her if her necklace ever weighed her down.
Her response? "Yes. Sometimes. I don't know. I never take it off, so I wouldn't know the difference."
I asked her, "How do you sleep with it?"
She replied, "Sex with my necklace? What the fuck? Ooh! Dessert!"
After dinner, she asked if we could go to the grocery store for "supplies." Supplies included three bottles of maple syrup. "I can't wait!" she exclaimed, and she invited me to her house to... well... fill her bathtub with maple syrup (and a bottle of honey she already had on hand).
Keeping her clothes on, she slid into the tub and thrashed around, thoroughly covering herself with all manner of sticky fluids. She looked up at me after a minute and said, "I'm not just doing this for my health, Dorian. Get in here."
It seemed like fun, so in I went. We sloshed around together, but whenever I tried to put my hands on her, she grabbed them and pushed them away. Splashing around in a sticky tub together had seemed like a flirtatious act, but maybe this was just her way of having harmless fun. I didn't press the issue and stopped trying to make a move after a few times.
Ten minutes later, she turned to me, said, "Nighty night," closed her eyes, and went to sleep in the shallow puddle of syrup. I asked her if I could bring her to her bed, and she said something like, "Not with that army," but perhaps I misunderstood. Then again, perhaps I didn't. She seemed really intent on going to sleep, and there wasn't enough stuff in the bathtub for her to drown, so I toweled off as best as I could and left.
She never returned my calls after that. Yes, I know it's not necessarily a bad date, but it struck me as a once-in-a-lifetime kind of story, and if that works, then so be it.
******************************
It works.
Yeah, this sounds like a great date....wait, a bottle of honey, too??? Ugh.
ReplyDeleteDealbreaker.
UGH X 1,000,000,000.
ReplyDeleteDear commenters, before you post anything along the lines of "She sounds awesome!" may I remind you that she definitely DOES NOT EXIST.
I hate this author more than anyone else on this site. Stop begging your reader to be impressed by you, douche. It isn't working.
Ooooo Anon 11:21 knows every girl on the face of the earth apperently! Not that I totally beleive the OP here, but I def. can think of a few girls who would do that and not think twice. Girls (and guys) can be crazy as shit sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt must have been fake maple syrup. The real stuff is very expensive. Also, did the OP drive home all sticky and ruin the seat? This story is strange.
ReplyDeleteRE: "It works"- the best maple syrup comes from Massachusetts- Western Massachusetts- don't let anyone tell you different, especially Vermonters!
ReplyDelete...My mouth is literally agape with shock and confusion about how I feel about this story. Why would you think that mucking about in a tub of maple syrup and honey was "fun"? My only guess is that you were thinking with your dick, which had no problem having sex with a cracked-out "hummingbird on speed."
ReplyDeleteAnd 11:21...has this author written stories before, or are you just violently overreacting to a silly, weird story?
...I'm just so confused...
I seriously want every single detail of this story. I want to know what she ordered at dinner, I want to know what she said while eating and I want to know how she ate. Anyone that snorted that much speed before a date must have been incredible to watch. And she was on speed, we all agree on that point right? Or did she just ingest a gallon of maple syrup? I drank half a gallon once on a bet (won $200) and I think I was so hyper I don't even remember how I got home. Sugar can do some crazy shit to you and this chick was the craziest!
ReplyDeleteFantastic date OP!
11:52, Vermont maple syrup is the best, sry. also Canadian.
ReplyDelete11:52 - Coming from a Vermonter, them is fightin' words... ;-)
ReplyDeleteI don't think sex in a tub of maple syrup would be very good for the girl in this situation. Seems like that much sugar going into places would cause some sort of infectious complications.
@12:42 - spoken like an experienced breadmaker, am I right?
ReplyDeleteMy entire credulty about this date hangs on what OP was wearing, tho, and less on if some crazy lady might not have thought through the consequences.
WTF!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd anon 12:42 is right, you dont feed a yeast infection more sugar to feast on, that's asking for trouble.
@Architect: I totally read your comment in my head with your "voice" sounding like you had just snorted a shitton of cocaine. At the end, my imagination added a little "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" which really added to the overall effect.
ReplyDeleteThe best maple syrup comes from the Province of Quebec, more precisely the Beauce region. It's a known fact to the maple syrup connoisseur. End of debate. :o)
ReplyDeleteNow, Dorian's story's got too many Gray areas. Arf.
Yes, Canadian Maple Syrup is the only way to go!!! Sorry Americans, you guys are great at lots of other things. Leave us our maple syrup.
ReplyDeleteThat is a yeast infection waiting to happen.
ReplyDeleteLe meilleur sirop d'érable vient du Québec, pis viens pas me dire le contraire tabarnak!
ReplyDelete^ Translation: "I'm trying to be trendy by speaking French, but since I'm from Canada, I really can't be. Tabernak!!"
ReplyDelete^^Crisse, si au moins tu pouvais traduire ça correctement. Ben non, t'es juste un pauvre américain. lol
ReplyDeleteReal or not, I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteThere's always going to be someone yelling "PHOTOSHOPPED!!"
Until someone can prove without a doubt they were also on the date, it happened.
A little creativity never hurt anyone and I honestly doubt any of our lives with be affected if a lie or two is told.
Basically - chill the fuck out.
This type of sexual activity has been linked to the early onset of type II diabetes, according to a New England Journal of Medicine article. The researchers had four groups: clover honey, canned peach syrup, Aunt Jemima and Neutrasweet (as control).
ReplyDeletePeer review was critical of the lack of real maple syrup.
^^I approve this comment. :D <3
ReplyDelete"nursery school barbarian queen"
ReplyDeletebest description ever, whether or not the story is true
Hi Nikki,
ReplyDeleteI like what you write, too.
Actually I submitted a true story to this site but it apparently was reject, unless the to be published list is really long.
4:05
reject(ed) because of bad spelling
ReplyDeleteIf you like what Nikki writes, then it's quite clear why your story was rejected.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, hater. ;P
ReplyDeleteby you and your army, she meant you were acting like a 6 handed monkey/
ReplyDeleteI’m guessing she said “not with that on me”, but how do I know?
ReplyDelete