Look at the Horsey

Submitted by Megan:

On an online dating site, a guy had "winked" at me or whatever it's called. I thought he was interesting based on his profile so I said hello. He didn't have a picture posted, which should have been my first clue, but I proceeded along.

After an e-mail or so, I asked for a picture. I got one, and he seemed normal looking for the most part. His e-mails were funny, which I later learned was probably not intentional. I agreed to meet him for dinner. He suggested we meet at P.F. Chang's. If you have ever been to one of these restaurants you'll notice that they all have a giant white horse outside of the building. When I asked this gentleman where I should wait (I'm always early) at the place, he suggested outside by the big "horsey." This should have been my second clue.

I arrived about 10 minutes before the said time and took my post at the horsey.  He arrived and once we sat down, I quickly noticed what I thought was humor in his e-mails was really just awkwardness. I was counting down the minutes until it was time to leave.

We talked about the normal BS things. He told me he went to school to be a weatherman. Interesting, I thought. He then proceeded to make weather-related comments for the duration of the date, including describing his flatulence as "gale force winds." This is the point of the night where I contemplated going into the bathroom and climbing out the window.

We finished our meal, and I believe I ate at record speed. Throughout the night he made many comments about my nose ring as though he had never seen one before. I should have guessed by this point that a nose ring was going to be pretty exotic to this guy.

When we left the restaurant, he suggested that we get coffee at the Starbucks in the Barnes & Noble nearby. I thought, great; I'll get a cup, BS for a minute, and use it wash down the Chinese food I just scarfed.

WRONG. After I got coffee, because apparently he doesn't drink it, and a cookie that I didn't want but was forced to order, he wanted to sit and talk. Okay, I thought, 15 minutes. I can do this.

I went to sit in the cafe section of the store, but he had a different idea. He told me to follow him. I did so thinking we'd sit in the more comfortable chairs that are scattered about the store. Oh no no... we went and sat... in the CHILDREN'S SECTION! Now, I'm not sure if maybe he thought this was cute, but it was weird. Straight up weird. I felt like a giant sitting at a table designed for a toddler, which is difficult given my staggering height of 5'3".

After sitting there for what seemed like an eternity, I made up some insane reason why I needed to leave right then. Never in my life have I made such a quick escape. I wanted the most direct path from that tiny furniture to the driver's seat of my car. My goal at that point was to have a clean break. No hug, no promise of next time.

I'm not sure exactly what I said, but I did it. I made it to the car unscathed by awkward touching and parting conversation. I drove home thinking about the few hours of my life that just had past and how I'd never get them back.


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Forced to order a cookie?