Submitted by Allison:
I had known Alex for over a decade; since high school. I had kept up with him over the years, as we would chat on instant messenger fairly regularly. He made me laugh and he is really smart, but we never lived in the same city so nothing ever happened. I had often wondered if things would be different if we didn't always live hundreds of miles apart.
One day he told me that he was visiting my city (as this is where his parents lived and where I had moved back to after college.) We decided to meet up and see each other in person for the first time in probably five or six years. The plan was simply to get dinner, so we agreed on a restaurant that was halfway between our respective locations.
He walked in and hugged me and then said that he wasn't hungry right then, and perhaps we could just go walk around for a bit. Despite being hungry myself, I obliged.
The restaurant was surrounded by a strip mall; not exactly a romantic location, but I enjoyed chatting with him online so I figured we could at least have a good conversation.
Most of the shops in the strip mall were closed, so we were awkwardly walking around in front of closed stores, and it turns out, we had nothing to say to each other in person. I kept trying to think of things to talk about but he didn't ever really respond, so it was just a lot of awkward silence.
Then he went in for a hug. Then a kiss. A kiss where he engulfed my entire face with his mouth. I pulled away and had to wipe half my face off. He kept trying to go back in for more and I said that I was hungry and wanted to go eat.
He tried to hold my hand and hug me and just overall wouldn't stop touching me, and I kept pulling away, which then prompted him to ask why I wasn't very affectionate. I never thought of myself as being anti-affection, but I didn't want to have my face swallowed by possibly the worst kisser of all time and I really just wanted to eat.
I made something up about how I've never been one for PDA. Despite this, he kept pulling me in towards him, no matter how much I pulled away and tried walking towards the direction of the cars.
Then he started pulling my shirt down and talking about how awesome my boobs are (let me assure you, I was not wearing anything revealing). I continued to try to pull away and he kept trying to touch them, and at one point he tried to bury his face in them. Now, I've known this guy for what felt like forever, so I didn't want to be a bitch, but I don't know if I'd ever been more uncomfortable in my entire life.
I finally got him to meander over to where our cars were parked, and then I tried to say that I needed to get going. I unlocked my car and he climbed in. I can't even remember at this point how I managed to get him to leave.
I have since tried to block a lot of this out of my memory. I do remember, however, driving home and having the thought that I would never again yearn that he lived closer.
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"I've known this guy for what felt like forever, so I didn't want to be a bitch"
In this case, I'd say that "being a bitch" is warranted.
How Not to Kiss
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape
Crisis Connection's Debunking of Rape Myths
Wow, you're very forgiving. If I knew someone that well, knew where their parents lived, etc., and they did that to me....well, let's just say that all my male relatives would be paying him a visit. And not a friendly social call type of visit.
ReplyDeleteGeez, these rapist links at the bottom are a bit harsh towards the guy, I feel. The guy was certainly in the wrong here though. Something about talkin' with a chick for a long time makes most guys feel like they're entitled to a crack at those titties.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair though, it sounds like Allison never just flat-out told him no. She said she didn't like public displays of affection true enough, but that's not the same as saying "Hey, stop grabbing my tits and slobbering all over my face or I'll knee you in the nuts."
Agreed. Not trying to blame the victim, but there's something wrong with our society when a woman allows herself to be intimidated and groped by a man she considers a good friend and does nothing to protect herself because she "doesn't want to seem rude." She's even gone so far as repressing the memory of the event, which sounds like the beginning symptoms of PTSD.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad she got out of there relatively safely, but I hope she learned something from this encounter. :-/
Give me a fucking break, 10:24. She was literally running from him. My goodness, how dense are you? Some of the devils advocate people on here make me fear for the future.
ReplyDeleteThe sheer about of "dates" like this make me think Jared really needs a sister site for "A Bad Case of the Rapes."
ReplyDeleteThis wasn't even a date; it was a meeting of friends that turned into sexual assault. Being groped doesn't upgrade it to a date.
Arrrgh, *amount* not about, sorry!!
ReplyDeleteWhat's with the comments and links from Jared after the stories? Personnally it makes my experience on this site less enjoyable. In all due respect, it's the stories I care about. If I need info on rape, I'll google it, thank you.
ReplyDeleteSame here 11:20. If you have a comment to the story Jared, why no comment in the comment section..
ReplyDelete10:48, you do realize she never says anywhere in the story that she ran from him, right? The nearest thing to it is when they "meandered" to the car, and if that's what you think running is maybe you should use a dictionary.
ReplyDeleteI do think the whole rape thing is a little harsh. He just seems like he is a little socially awkward. He probably hasnt had a "date" that he hasnt paid for in quite some time.
ReplyDeleteShe had a good chance to end things when he asked her why she was not affectionate. Instead of turning him down then she just said that she is not into PDA. I am not blaming her, but that is not a "not interested" reply.
For people like 10:24: Um who is so stupid and dense as to not take cues like a person continuously pulling away from you, and telling you they don't want to be touched in public? The only type of people who would continue to behave that way are people who don't really care whether or not the other person is consenting. A woman shouldn't have to threaten to kick a guy in balls. Men aren't stupid, they are humans who can tell if another human is uncomfortable. This guy was clearly being predatory.
ReplyDelete12:10: Socially awkward? Really?? And yes, you are blaming the victim. That is exactly what you're doing. I hope nobody ever sexually assaults you and you have to deal with ignorant folks blaming you for it.
ReplyDeleteOh, c'mon, 12:10, it is a "not interested" reply. It's saying "I'm not interested *now*." The problem is that she didn't come right out and tell him to fuck off completely. I was as horrified as all you sane people that she put up with all of this, and felt she couldn't say no. But I'm horrified *for* her, and for what it says about her.
ReplyDeleteBut bottom line is when someone is pushing you away when you kiss, you don't start lifting her shirt and burying your face in her boobies!! Yes, a firm "no way, asshat" was in order, but this guy shouldn't >need< to be told that in order to stop escalating the groping. And as far as I can tell this guy was sober. The rape thing does not seem harsh to me at all. Anyone doubt the end of this tale had she not gone to her car?
12:18, not to continually be a dick here, but when she started pulling away, she said the reason was because she didn't like PUBLIC displays of affection. That's not the best way to convince anyone to stop kissing you. In fact, it implies that you'll be cool if you're not in public anymore.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm seriously not defending this dude's actions. He was just being fucking pushy. She really could have made more of an effort to express dissatisfaction however, in my opinion.
I think we are all kind of missing the point here, don't you? I mean, what the hell happened to dinner? She built the story up saying she was hungry. Then drew it out and created some conflict by telling us that she would have to wait as Rapy McRaperson wanted to walk around for a bit. Then.....nothing! What happened to dinner? Kind of anti-climatic if you ask me.
ReplyDelete12:42, if this guy then tried to get her somewhere private, then you'd have something that actually resembled a point. But he didn't. He clearly notices that she's not getting into it, but when her reason why leaves him room to think he could persue this in a different way, he doesn't. He doens't change a thing except get more insistent. This is beyond being pushy, or even fucking pushy. This is in "ignores anything being said that interferes with what I want right now" territory.
ReplyDeleteI agree her response might have implied interest by leaving private venues open. But that is actually what undermines your view. If someone says, like OP basically does, "I'm not interested in A, I prefer B" and you keep pushing A, the existence of a B option does not forgive your actions.
Hahaha, Architect, thanks for getting us back on topic!!
ReplyDeleteFizziks, except... after she said the thing about PDA he DOES try to get her somewhere private. They went straight to the cars after that. Well ok, not straight to the cars. There's that part where he starts fondling her breasts and yet while she tries to pull away she says NOTHING.
ReplyDeleteThat's really the issue here for me. Sure the guy was a huge douche here, who took a lot of liberties, but this was a guy she had been speaking to for TEN YEARS. I mean, she didn't have enough balls at the fondling part to just slap his hands, tell him no? This guy wasn't some random stranger, she could have just flat-out told him to stop.
Really, this is all dumb. Can't we just all agree that the guy was a horndog that thought "dinner" meant "dinner and sex", and the girl was perhaps a little too mousy, when a firm "no" would probably have worked better than a "not in public?"
I always wonder how the almost-raped girls feel when they read the comments after their "date" stories and watch us tear them a new asshole for not being more assertive? Or are they smart enough to ignore the comments section, knowing what will come?
ReplyDeleteI think we're all pretty firmly on the girl's side of this situation, but our calls for her to be more assertive (in whatever way using whatever language is appropriate) are out of concern that this will happen again to her at some point in her life, and perhaps with more dire consequences.
No, 1:07 he doesn't, >she< does. Then she does say something. She says she has to get going.
ReplyDeleteTry using the facts?
Fizziks, the guy said that in his comment. How about stop trying to one-up each other with this little internet comment dick-slinging contest? Or do you HAVE to get the last word in? (Let's see...)
ReplyDeleteThe problem here is NOT "Allison's lack of assertiveness". Unless this guy has the IQ of a clam, he knows that Allison is NOT welcoming his advances. In fact, he seems to be getting even more excited and aggressive by her clear lack of interest. So what makes you all think that a flat-out "stop it" from her would have made him anything but MORE aggressive?
ReplyDeleteShe was so non-assertive BECAUSE she was afraid that directly confronting him would send him over the edge. After corresponding with him for 10 years, no one would believe that she hadn't willingly had sex with him. In fact, how many of their mutual acquaintances do you think would believe the story she has just told? No, Allison successfully avoided a sexual assault and in the end deserves nothing but credit for successfully keeping herself safe.
She's traumatized but unharmed. Good for her, and phooey on you dummies who think all you have to do with an unbalanced sexually aggressive / borderline violent male is "say no".
Sexually aggressive? He made a move. Granted, it didn't work, but he made a move. She could have been more assertive, and he could have been less of a dick about the situation. But to say he's unbalanced, sexually aggressive, borderline violent, and to assume he would have gotten aggressive had she actually said "no"? Gimme a break.
ReplyDeleteJared, your links at the bottom of each post now are lame. It was funny the first time, when you put links about the asteroid heading for earth, but it would be great if they stopped there.
ReplyDeleteRepeated attempts to kiss, touch, grope and/or fondle someone after they continually pull away is the very definition of sexually aggressive. The apologetics really need to stop.
ReplyDeletehey guys, just who IS jared btw? and how come he can add to the stories? I've been reading and commenting abcotd for a few months now and the recent change hasn't bothered me too much, some of the links are quite amusing. his comments at the bottom of the story rather than here in the comments section are irritating tho. they're kinda like he's implying that he has the last word on a story.
ReplyDeleteas for the story, I'm totally with nikki and fizziks, it's clear and simple. the girl said no PDA, and rather than stop what he was doing he went further, trying to pull up her skirt etc. the guy has serious problems and probably needs to be put on a sex offenders register.
The girl in this story had been talking to the guy for ten years before this date. My question to the author would be: did he make his intentions clear before the date? Was this just supposed to be dinner, or a date? I mean, I don't think we know enough about the circumstances behind their relationship to be judging either one too harshly. (Well, ok, the guy was a lot worse than the girl.)
ReplyDeleteFor all we know, they could have been internet flirting for those five years, making it at least reasonable why he would act like that (up until the boobs.)
Agreed, those tits must have been epic! I'm talkin' dodged a bullet on 4chan EPIC!
ReplyDeletethere is absolutely no excuse for this. men, stop undermining your gender by suggesting that he was just awkward or unable to contain himself because he thought he could 'expect' something from her. no matter what a woman implies or says ahead of time, she has the right to make it clear that she is uncomfortable and wants to stop - even if she didn't flat-out say it, that was obviously communicated, and he ignored it. although i've never been in this exact situation, i - along with most other women - know how it feels to be pressured into doing something a man wants you to do, even if it's just some skeeze trying to get your number.
ReplyDelete5:28 - Jared is the moderator of the site. If you ever see a long, snarky date story without an author's name under the title, that's one of his. And believe me, seeing as how some of these comment threads get up to the 40s in numbers of people commenting/bitching about a story, his word is DEFINITELY not the last one, no matter where he puts his opinion. ;)
ReplyDeleteRobin, STFU. Stop undermining your gender by leaving the kitchen and posting your bullshit opinions on the internet. Who let you on a computer? As a man, we have the right to make it clear that nobody wants to hear your "women are intimidated by men because we're women" bullshit. If the "pressure" of someone trying to talk to you is too much, you probably shouldn't leave the house.
ReplyDelete^^^ is intimidated by robin, and is probably ghey.
ReplyDeletelol @12:43 welcome to bcotd! i take it this is your first time to the site?
ReplyDeleteWhat a fucking mess.
ReplyDeleteShe should have stormed out of there as soon as he tried to grab her boobs. Granted, in uncomfortable situations, people freeze up and hope the moment passes. Especially for someone they've talked to for 10 years.
He's just insane. He's deliberate, intense, and focused on trying to get some from her. It's creepy! He's rationalized in his head the justifications it seems and just keeps trying to make the follow through. Who knows how far it would have gone with drinks and privacy. Sounds like the terrorist Graabir Boubi! Or Mustafa As!