Submitted by Scott:
Alison and I had arranged a fun first date: dinner and pool. I went to her house to pick her up and she invited me in to meet her two dogs, Salvo and Mensa. One was a black lab, the other a Jack Russell. She got right down on the floor and tussled with them. Awwwwww... sweet. Dogs.
Then they started licking her face. A lot. She giggled as they slid their tongues all over her cheeks, nose, and mouth. Oh, gross. You're not going to let them lick inside your... yes, you are. Oh gross. Not in your mouth! Stop! Stop letting them lick your face holes!
Okay, so she stood up and asked if I was ready to go. Gonna wash your face, honey? No, of course not.
The date went all right. She was waaay too into herself, but at least she got me to forget all about the saliva-filled adventures of a couple of hours prior. She was definitely into me, and flirted more as the night went on.
After I beat her at two games of pool, I drove her back to her house. I figured that we were going to kiss, and all of a sudden, as I pulled up, I realized that she hadn't Listerined, sucked down a bar of soap, or done anything else to cleanse herself of dog slobber. Dogs clean their anuses with their tongues. Did I really want to taste the taste of canine sphincter at the end of the night? No thanks.
I told her to have a good night. She didn't leave the car. She was waiting for something. She said that she had a nice time. I said that I did, too. Silence. I turned to her and told her that I was kind of grossed out by the dog incident and that I didn't want to kiss her as a result.
She opened my car door, said that she didn't want to kiss me either, and left. Serves me right for being honest, I guess. At least I didn't have dog juices splashing around inside of my mucus membranes.
This is stupid. It sounds to me like you gave up on a sweet and fun girl for essentially nothing. Dog spit is no big deal. But hey, if you're not a dog person, then maybe it's for the best.
ReplyDeleteStill think you're a jackass. This wasn't a bad date, it was a missed opportunity.
The fun part is that you are grossed out because you got to *see* the dog lick where your mouth wanted to go. Think about all the dog owners you've kissed without knowing that there was a fresh coat of spittle already there. You've had canine cooties for years and not realized it!!
ReplyDeleteI expect people to get over the stray pet-kiss without being a hypercondriac. But I'll give you a pass on being squeamish on inside-the-mouth. That would give me pause, too
I totally agree that comment. This guy is the one who was the idiot. What a frickin' loser....or quite possibly a closet homosexual. I can't think of very many reasons I wouldn't kiss a fun, sexy woman. A little dog slobber from several hours earlier sure wouldn't stop me from kissing her.
ReplyDeleteSo a guy isn't allowed to have standards without being called gay?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have kissed that girl either. Disgusting.
hahaha, this is a funny story. "Stop letting them lick your face holes!" LOL
ReplyDelete^ Not all of us want others to think our dogs are as wonderful as we do. Your opinion of them matters about as much as anyone else's, which is none at all.
ReplyDeleteI don't let my dogs lick me on the face, but I certainly wouldn't let it stop me from kissing someone. Sounds like this guy was just looking for a reason to not kiss or date her.
And please don't call him gay. We gays are into men who are well, men. This guy is a pussy. Sorry girls, you keep him, we don't want him.
I agree with the first comment. Seems like the OP missed out on a girl who not only loves animals, but IS COMFORTABLE WITH ICKY FLUIDS IN HER MOUTH.
ReplyDelete(Also, could not help hearing Dane Cook's voice as I typed mouth. . )
There are plenty of things wrong with dog spit. That is so gross. I don't think I would even have gone on a date with her after that. Heck dog people tend to be a bit unstable anyway and seem to think dogs = people. The Muslims are right about dogs being dirty.
ReplyDelete^ Yup, and people are just supah clean. Open-minded too!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the OP - dog's tongues = their toilet paper. Nasty.
ReplyDeleteI don't like it when dogs lick either and I certainly wouldn't let one lick inside my mouth. Gross.
You can come kiss me OP - I brush my teeth and don't let dogs put their tongues in my mouth. lol
"And please don't call him gay. We gays are into men who are well, men. This guy is a pussy. Sorry girls, you keep him, we don't want him."
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! Love it. ;)
I'm a dog person, but I've never let my dog French kiss me. I've never let my cat French kiss me either. And I bathe myself after they do lick me on the arm or the hands. It's just a good way of staying clean. I don't think my animals are people. I also don't think I'd let something like dog slobber from several hours earlier stop me from gettin' busy.
Agreed--this dude both has valid standards and is also a pussy.
As a trained veterinarian for the last 13 years, I can certifiably say that the bacteria in a dogs mouth can transmit other diseases, such as ringworm, hookworms, roundworms and campylobacteriosis, an infectious bacterial disease. Worse yet, you could get mad-dog disease; dog-scratch fever; the dog-flu or...look, it's just fucking disgusting so don't do it and expect a guy to make out with you afterward...unless, of course, you let him sniff your butt first!
ReplyDeleteHey all of you "omg, icky! they lick their butts" people. There's this nifty emzyme called lysozyme that's present in dog saliva. You should look it up.
ReplyDelete@anon 9:59--"IS COMFORTABLE WITH ICKY FLUIDS IN HER MOUTH."
ReplyDeletehahahahhaha! Good point!!
I have a friend who used to let her dog clean up her baby after meals. The baby would eat, and then she would call the dog over to lick all the extra food off the baby's face. Of course the baby would laugh hysterically the whole time so the dog's tongue would wind up in the baby's mouth. So icky!
ReplyDeleteBut that child is in high school now, extremely healthy, bright and attractive. Ick aside, I'm forced to conclude that no harm was done (if anything, dog saliva could be beneficial if you're judging from this one example - most parents would kill for such a good kid). If dog mouth germs can't sicken or stunt the growth of a tiny baby, I tend to think that they wouldn't hurt a big strong grown-up man either.
Hey 11:20, Lysozyme isn't just found in dog spit. It's sort of found in saliva in general. I'm not gonna kick back and let my dog lick the inside of my mouth for an enzyme that I make naturally. Also, if you DO want more of the enzyme, you could be a reasonable human being and eat egg whites which are loaded with lysozyme, not let an animal slobber all over your face.
ReplyDeleteReally, that's got to be one of the most foolish things I've ever heard anyone on the internet say. And I go to 4chan.
I think "I go to 4chan" is rapidly becoming shorthand for "I am going to say something mundane is the worst example of something *ever* on the interwebs, thus showing what a sheltered tool I am and I'll back my cred up with 4chan!"
ReplyDeleteIs this really more foolish than this? http://tinyurl.com/yecpoyg
"I've been on 4chan" = "I just left the bunker for the first time in 20 years."
No, you guys! I'm kewl! You don't even know!! I GO TO 4CHAN!!!!
ReplyDeleteAnything I say as an anonymous troll on the intarwebs is made, like, INFINITY TIMES as valid when i say "I go to 4chan" b/c everyone knows that the trolls on 4chan are, like, the total 1337est or whatever. GAWD.
ReplyDeleteHey 2:52, the point was that dog spit isn't any ickier than ours, and we lick inside one anothers' mouths all the time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Dog Doctor is a complete Poe, just in case anyone was fooled. There is no such thing as "trained" veterinarian.
^ Umm....I think the Dog Doctor was just kidding...There is also nothing like dog-scratch fever or dog flu etc. Thanks for pointin out the obvious Anon 4:19
ReplyDelete4:24 You'd be surprised at what people will fall for. I work as a vet tech, and you wouldn't believe the questions I field on a daily basis. Particularly at the low-cost vaccination clinic each year where we get the real winners. You've probably seen a few of them on peopleofwalmart.com.
ReplyDeleteI am 100% with OP - people who let pets lick all over their faces are DISGUSTING.
ReplyDeleteBonus gross points for INSIDE their face.
Ok, first off, dogs licking your face and inside of your mouth is nasty. Then getting off the floor and heading out for a date with not so much as a stick of gum, I don't blame the OP at all. This is why I'm glad I am a cat person. Sure they require a litter box to be scooped but I'd rather do that than be covered with dog spit any day of the week.
ReplyDeleteHey Fizziks! 4Chan Rules! Whooo! (not really)
I can't believe he went ahead with the date, that is just nasty. Dogs eat the most awful things on the street, it'd be like french kissing a hobo.
ReplyDeletelurk moar 2:52
ReplyDeleterules 1 and 2
I do think that she should have at least brushed her teeth before she left, but the guy's still acting ridiculous here. If she drank anything on the date, then most of the germs from the dog's mouth would have been washed away. Not to mention the fact that even the most hygienic human has a dirtier mouth than the most unhygienic dog. It's why human bites are so much more dangerous than dog bites. You missed out on what sounds like an awesome girl, OP. After all, you didn't have to French her. A peck on the lips is acceptable after a first date.
ReplyDeleteShe isn't picky about gross stuff in her mouth, so you DIDN'T like her? Missed something there, didn't ya, dummy?
ReplyDeleteif you would have taken her out and bought her all sorts of drinks (preferably vodka or grain alcohol) then it would have gotten rid of all the dog cooties in her mouth. then she would have been shitfaced and gone down on you.
ReplyDeletedont you feel silly for passing that up?
you, my friend, are a germaphobe. and/or geigh.
Women who tongue kiss dogs are usually HIV positive or have Herpes at the very least... but you could have tried making out with her while listening to Frank Zappa's song about the yellow snow where the huskies go.
ReplyDelete1.) If she agreed to let you sniff her ass later would you have changed your mind?
ReplyDelete2.) I'm not into inside-mouth dog kissing. Dogs or any animal will give you kisses and that's cool. It depends on the animal, if you feel like Tom Hanks in "Turner & Hooch" then eww. Also, I've known people who literally make out with their dogs, tongue sword-fighting and all because it's "cute".
3.) Fizziks, you're right about the "Seeing" and the "knowing". At a restaurant we handle some food that guests know we handle with our bare hands, but they get upset if they see it. For fruit from a bartender people see it and don't care.
4.) There are plenty of things people do with preparation and a reasonable expectation of cleanliness. My friend has cancer and because her immune system is compromised she requires that her boyfriend washes his mouth very well before going down on her. There's still risk, but getting oral is good for your health too. It's a balance of expectations.
Oh and I couldn't handle my friend's dog who found my cat's fresh poop the tastiest treat ever. That kind of gave me pause. Plus, dogs breath can be damn stinky.
ReplyDeleteyou KNOW this girl would have been into doing it "doggie style"!
ReplyDelete