Date the Parents

Submitted by Paul:

Gwen was really excited about meeting me.  I was really into her, too.  We had some of those long conversations in which you forget about the time that passes, the sort that makes you feel like you just finished a satisfying meal.  I learned all about her, her work as a landscaper, and her family.

The first date was her idea.  She invited me over to her place and said that she'd cook for me.  This was very exciting, and I really couldn't wait.

For some reason, I had thought that she lived in an apartment.  It was a house.  Her father answered the door.  He welcomed me in and sat me down in the living room.  It smelled like someone was cooking, but Gwen was nowhere in sight.

He started asking me about my job, my life, my family, my prospects.  It was very uncomfortable, and it was like had had every question planned at the outset.

After the first round, he called his wife in.  She gave me a nice smile, but she sat next to her husband and asked me her own set of questions.  The husband stared at me the whole time, but she barely made eye contact at all and spoke very softly.  Her questions were ridiculously weird.  She asked me things that sounded like they came from a psychological questionnaire: "If a parking meter ate your quarters, what would you do?"  "Do you like animals?"  "Does the hole in the ozone layer make you sad?"  WTF?

At one point, I asked if Gwen was around.  Her father said, "Yes," and left it at that.

Gwen did arrive to announce that dinner was ready.  I sat down with her and her parents at the table.  Her father said a grace that lasted about ten minutes, and he kept eying me the whole time.  What was he expecting?  Me to stop him?  To steal some food while he wasn't looking?  Stop testing me, old man!

No one said a word at dinner.  Well, that's not true.  Someone said, "Pass the green beans," once.  Gwen hardly even looked at me.  I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon, that I'd be able to leave, and that, on the plus side, I'd have a well-cooked meal.

Directly after dinner, I was able to thank Gwen for the meal.  Her parents stood up and escorted me to the door.  Good night.

Gwen called me later and told me that I had impressed her not-easily-impressed parents.  Yay.  She then said that she had a nice time, and that for our next date, we could all go out to dinner somewhere.

I asked her if it would be possible to have a date without her parents, and she told me, "Probably not until we're married."

Okay, then.  No thank you.