Submitted by Bob:
Stacey and I had met online and were walking on a boardwalk by the ocean. We stopped walking and sat on a bench. She shifted back and forth a little bit, and I asked her if everything was good.
She told me that she had jock itch. I asked her if there was anything I could do, then realized how stupid the question was. She gave me a mean look and finished rubbing herself on the bench.
We got on the subject of where we wanted to end up. She was a lawyer who wanted a house in the suburbs. I'm a web designer without a clue as to where I wanted to be. It was a good and lively conversation.
Until she said, "But I'm not going to do any of those things if I can't get rid of this jock itch."
I asked her if it was really that bad and she said that it was giving her a negative quality of life. I then asked why she hadn't taken care of it. She said that she was on prescription meds and that it was better than it had been.
Okay. We moved on to discussing where we went to school, our families, our interests.
"Being a lawyer is hard," she said.
"I'll bet."
"But imagine being a lawyer with jock itch!"
"Wow."
"Wow indeed."
I steered the conversation into a place where I didn't think there'd be any room for jock itch: what were her favorite films and books?
She said that she liked How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Chicago, then said, "But I'm not enjoying movies lately."
"Why not?"
"Because of my jock itch."
"Wow."
"Wow indeed."
So... the date went fine other than that, but every time I thought about her afterward, I thought of jock itch, and as I don't usually like thinking about jock itch, I didn't call her again.
This made me snort my cereal through my nose. Well done.
ReplyDeleteAnd why doesn't she go to another doctor? That is a simple problem and it shouldn't be such a big deal. As a lawyer I am sure she can afford good medical care!
ReplyDeleteMaybe it wasn't Jock itch and something else, like STD.
ReplyDelete"How to lose a guy..."
ReplyDeleteuh dude I think she was trying to tell you something
Can women actually have "jock" itch?
ReplyDeleteIt's called antibiotics, special cream, cranberry juice, and plenty of yogurt. I agree--a lawyer (even a bad one) can afford a doctor who knows how to get rid of a killer yeast infection.
ReplyDeleteWait..."Jock Itch" ? Is this a "Crying Game" scenario?
ReplyDelete"Jock itch" and "yeast infection" are both pretty much equal in terms of unpleasantness as far as names are concerned. Maybe we could come up with a nicer-sounding euphemism?
ReplyDelete"Love fungus."
ReplyDelete^ LMAO, yes, I think "love fungus" is way better. It's at least fun to say, and doesn't include the words "infection" or "itch".
ReplyDeleteJMG, I second that Love Fungus. Also should be a band name.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing she has herpes and it was flaring up. Everyone has had jock itch/a yeast infection at some point in their lives but I have never known it to get to the point where it caused someone to hump a bench on a date. Plus I went to law school too (gotta have a career that pays the bills) and I just want to say that the drunkest, messiest, and sluttiest people I ever met could be found among the students AND faculty. I was a greek at a state school before getting there so that's saying something.
ReplyDeleteIt's official: yeast infections and jock itch shall heretofore be known as "love fungus."
ReplyDelete@6:42 - while i didn't go around dragging my bottom on the ground like a dog, i had a chronic yeast infection for about a year & a 1/2 until my doctor & i discovered that it was being caused by my birth control. it's rare, but it does exist, & it SUCKS.
ReplyDeleteStill, no excuse for someone to obsess about it on a date. :oP
I'm gonna go with 11:50 AM - I think someone bringing it up that often on a first date is trying to get rid of you.
ReplyDeleteJock itch is similar to a jellyfish sting, piss on it and it stops hurting.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that girl was a girl, I know of no woman that would ever call a yeast infection or anything else down there jock itch that's a guys term (at least in my experience).
ReplyDeleteMy crotch itches constantly, and my two favorite movies are about trying to get a guy to dump you and a musical about women who killed their husbands. She was trying to get rid of you. Punch her in the face and move on.
ReplyDeleteI think 7:39 pretty much nailed it.
ReplyDeleteGranted, she probably DID have jock itch. But, it's not a coincidence that she started mentioning it every other sentence after this little gem:
She was a lawyer who wanted a house in the suburbs. I'm a web designer without a clue as to where I wanted to be.