Submitted by Ed:
Mindy and I were out on a date, and it was painfully obvious that she thought very, very highly of herself. "I'm the one my friends come to for advice," she declared, not too long followed by, "My parents come to me for financial consulting," and "I'm a cooking ace in the kitchen."
If true, then that's fine. Still, there's a subtle art to being good at things and not bragging. She volunteered most of this "I'm best at such-and-such" information without pretext. We weren't even talking about cooking. Or financial consulting. Or advice.
After dinner, we made it back to her place, kissing began, and clothing started unbuttoning. Between kisses, she said, "I taste like pumpkin pie."
I stared at her. "What?"
"I taste like pumpkin pie. Lots of guys have told me."
Well, when a girl gives you that sort of invitation, it doesn't really matter how much she's bragged about whatever. I started my work and immediately she asked, "Well?"
I replied, "It tastes like vagina so far."
She shut her legs, clobbering my head, and drew herself into a ball. She said, "Well, that killed the mood. Want to pour some pig vomit on me, while you're at it?"
I didn't know what else to say. I thought this was an overreaction on her part. What did she expect me to say? "Gadzooks! It does taste like pumpkin pie! NOM NOM NOM NOM." No.
She became really unresponsive, and so I decided to leave. Stupidity on my part, perhaps, but definite overreaction on hers. Did give me a hankering for actual pumpkin pie, though.
"This is the fishiest pumpkin pie I've ever tasted!"
ReplyDeleteI gave you 5 stars for using the Gadzooks, and also for your vagina retort.
ReplyDeleteI love the "NOM NOM NOM" part. Cracked me up.
ReplyDeleteTo quote "The Vagina Monologues":
ReplyDelete"Don't believe them when he tells you it smells like rose petals when it's supposed to smell like pussy. That's what they're doing, trying to clean it up, make it smell like bathroom spray or a garden. All those douche sprays, floral, berry, rain. I don't want my pussy to smell like rain! All cleaned up like washing a fish *after* you cooked it. I want to taste the fish. That's why I ordered it."
Pig vomit is an incredible aphrodisiac.
ReplyDelete@ Nikki....you wouldn't say that if you were the one eating that fish...plus, the girls who taste like fish prob. aren't cleaning it right. I've only had to deal with one smelly vagina in my life, and it was the only time I refused to go down on a girl. That was a shame too, I'm one of the few guys who love to do it.
ReplyDeletelol @ "nom nom nom"!!! too funny!
ReplyDeletenow I'M craving pumpkin pie...
@ 11:49 - I agree that fish is the last thing any respectable girl wants her pussy to taste like, but I think it's supposed to be a metaphor. I certainly wouldn't want my pussy tasting like fish...or pumpkin pie for that matter. Personally, I think chocolate-covered pretzels would be a pretty good taste.
ReplyDeleteWith somebody as conceited as that, you should have ended the date before it had even started.
ReplyDelete11:49/3:01, it's 2:03 again. The majority of people would rather receive than give because orgasms are fun. And I've never had a problem with oral sex, either giving or receiving. I think you've got an over-inflated opinion of your abilities, there.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe you should just stop sleeping with teenagers. Most adults are quite capable of giving/taking direction in the bedroom until both partners are satisfied with the experience.
11:49/3:01 here - Maybe you should come over and see for yourself about my abilities. Maybe you're getting luck with your partners, but most guys I know couldn't give a woman an orgasm if their lives depended on it. Why do you think finding a clit is such a big thing for a guy? I just got lucky that I was the victim of a friends mother at an early age who taught me the ropes.
ReplyDeleteAnd why would I want to stop sleeping with teenagers? Perky tits+tight vaginas = girls I like to be around.
Much better then saggy boobs, flappy asses and loose vag's that smell like fish...or pumpkin pie...
Dude with "Big" Cock Who Loves Eating Vag & Girl Who is Great at Giving BJs:
ReplyDeleteTake your conversation to Craigslist, please. None of us are interested in your foreplay.
3:28 - That's okay, I'm married. It just amuses me when I see little boys bragging about their super prowess in bed. Sex isn't that difficult, and the people who make it out to be are overthinking it.
ReplyDelete3:01, you are a small-dicked dorc. No one with any confidence feels the need to go on and on about themselves as you do.
ReplyDeleteI actually prefer to give, rather than receive. Not everyone is good at blowjobs, and making my partner happy is a great deal of fun.
Bad smell is a turnoff. Poor hygiene = bad smell. Poor hygiene = other issues.
I'm perfectly happy with a nice, robust, post-teenage vagina scent. Something like an intelligent, witty, thoughtful '80s vintage.
Children children children!
ReplyDeleteCan we get away from the troll fights and get back to what be should be doing? Insulting the OP?
Ed, my friend, you have a case of teh geighs.
You are supposed to eat your pumpkin pie like it, and agree its the best ever. if you don't she won't go pole bobbing. and she will think you are gay as we have just learned you are from reading this.
The guy bragging about his ability to go down on girls and the pumpkin pie girl subject of this bad date should really get together and go bowling.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Anon 11:10 here..
ReplyDeleteIf you're invited to your girlfriends moms for dinner, and she serves you a pumpkin pie and ask what it tastes like, you don't tell her it tastes like vagina.. even if it tastes like shit you say it tastes like pumpkin pie and you eat that pie boy! Or it gets taken away from you, as you learned the hard way..
"Did give me a hankering for actual pumpkin pie, though."
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the funny post.
Hooray for 11:10, the voice of reason and hilarity! :)
ReplyDeletePeople putting mouths to genitals just after meeting for the first time. That's insane. No wonder society is falling apart.
ReplyDeletelol @ 7:46
ReplyDeleteYou eat that pie boy!!!
@11:29
ReplyDeleteOnly if they were eating from the wrong side.
There was a multi-level marketing company that recently collapsed. They had a unique product line that included pie flavor douches. Strawberry was of course the most popular. She probably was a distributor and had bought a huge supply. People who buy into these schemes are always upset when people aren't enthusiastic about the products.
ReplyDelete