Submitted by Scott:
Erin and I met online. She was a nurse with a love of Broadway shows, comedies, and exploring the city. I thought, "Why not explore the city?" for our first date.
I suggested this to her and she said, "If you're going to take me around the city then you're going to have to treat me right." Nothing like putting such high expectations on a guy.
Luckily, I was equal to her and replied, "If I'm taking you out on a date, then you're going to have to treat me right."
She said, "Oh honey... I always treat guys right. Never a complaint."
Well, first time for everything, I guess. She complained the entire night about the food we ate ("I ate here once before. I hated the mac 'n cheese then, and I hate it now."), the cold outside ("It's fucking freezing outside! Why is it so fucking cold?"), the shoes I was wearing ("Brown shoes? I hope they match your belt.") and my after-dinner idea of going to an observatory ("To what? Look at the darkness even closer?").
I was not at all into her, and wished her good night once it felt natural. Not nearly soon enough.
She then called me at two in the morning to ask, "Do you believe in God?"
I told her that I was agnostic, and she said, "I'm really scared of the devil. Can you come over?"
"Uh... well..."
She cut in, "Not to have sex. There won't be any sex."
"Oh. I can't come by."
She hung up and I never heard from her again. Yay!
Perhaps she was looking for an exoricist.
ReplyDeleteToo bad it didn't work out. With both of you demanding that a stranger "treat you right" from the very beginning, it could have been a match, as they say, made in heaven. Or maybe some other place...
ReplyDeleteAlcohol is a must in these situations.
ReplyDeleteMac n' cheese?? What a fine dining establishment you must have taken her to!
ReplyDeleteMan, that might have been the best sex you ever had!
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, 1:57, gourmet mac 'n' cheese is the hot new thing in the culinary world. Using fine cheeses, adding shrimp, things like that. So maybe he really did take her somewhere nice and not just the local diner. :P
ReplyDeleteSeconded Nikki. It's pretty big, at least here in Southern California. There's a fancy shmancy place near my house - I can't stay off their Mac n Cheese.
ReplyDeleteCan't leave links here, but it's called "Currant" in San Diego. Their Mac n Cheese might very well be sent by unicorns from heaven.
Velveeta shells and cheese, thats the stuff dreams are made of.
ReplyDeleteMOney can't buy love, but it does buy Velveeta, which is close enough.
ReplyDeletemoney can't buy love, but it can buy sex. and sex is what you would have had if you pretended just a little bit to be scared of the devil.
ReplyDeleteshe wanted you to worship god. from between her legs.
your loss.
Cheese and noodles. Who woulda thought. Do they give you a side of white bread with mayo?
ReplyDeleteTrue. Mac n cheese is the new trendy and ironic food. It's a real money maker for the restaurants too since it costs so little to make. Noodles are cheap.
ReplyDeleteDid she think you could have kicked the devils arse?
ReplyDelete