Buy One, Lose One Free

Submitted by Beth:

During my first single summer after college, I was eager to meet people and wasn’t shy about going on dates. I used a variety of methods to meet potential “suitors” – including friends, local sports leagues, and online dating. 

One person I met online – Roger – seemed to be a nice enough guy while we instant messaged each other back and forth. After the usual dialogue, he asked to take me to dinner. I agreed, and was impressed by the restaurant he chose – a local seafood place known for their superb salmon and lofty prices. 

We met at the restaurant and he held the door for me as we walked inside. 

We hadn’t sat down to dinner but five minutes when he started asking about why I was single. I didn’t want to go into details of my past relationships, so I mentioned something about a mutual friend.

“Oh, her?” he said, “She’s hot. I’d give her a nine out of ten.” And he spent the next ten minutes telling me how HOT my friend was. 

I wanted to change the subject, so I asked about his family. After he told me, he asked about mine. I mentioned that my brother had recently graduated from cosmetology school. 

Roger: “Oh, so he’s gay?”

Me: “No, actually, he’s not.”

Roger: “Yes he is! He has to be, to be a hairdresser.”  He said it loud enough that other people in the restaurant turned to look.

Trying to make it through dinner without punching him, I once again turned the subject to less controversial topics, or so I thought. I asked about sports. 

Me: “What sports do you follow?”

Roger: “Pretty much everything. You?”

Me: “Well, I’m a big fan of college football and [local NFL team].”

Roger: “You don’t know anything about football. I bet you can’t even name one player!”

It was finally time to go. After insulting me, insulting my brother, and spending the first portion of our date talking about the appearance of my friend, I was ready to get out of there.

The waitress brought the check, he pulled out his wallet, and slammed a coupon on the table. Then he turned to me, grinned, and said, “I’m so glad you came with me. I had this ‘buy one, get one free’ coupon I’ve wanted to use for awhile.” 

I was so happy that date was over. The icing on the cake was when he called me two days later. He said he wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend, but “do you think we could be friends with benefits?”

I think he got the right answer when I hung up on him.