Next Time, Audit the Love Professor's Class

Submitted by Guido:

I met Gwen through a famous dating website. We seemed to have a lot in common: we were both well educated - she was a college professor and I was a graduate engineer. She sounded intelligent but reserved on the phone, and intelligence is always a turn-on for me. I should have known when she said, "I'm not your average college professor," that something was amiss.

We met at a Mexican restaurant that she said that she had wanted to try; I'd been there before and the food was outstanding.

I was waiting at the table when a very scrawny but heavily tattooed woman walked in the door. I remembered Gwen's picture from the dating site, and realized that this circus-freak of a tattoo canvas was Gwen!

As she approached the table, I could see that she had more piercings than a well-used voodoo doll, and that her hair was in dreadlocks. Worse yet, her B.O. was beyond belief. Unfortunately, I have a very sensitive sense of smell and the B.O. was enough to make me think of nothing else.

So clearly turned off by the sight and smell before me, I was hardly able to eat. Gwen told me all about herself, the classes she taught, her studies, her tattoos, and even the parts of her body that don't get much sunshine and the number and types of piercings on them as well.

Mercifully, the date wound up, and I thought that I was going to be free and clear.  Suddenly she grabbed me and planted a HUGE French kiss on me. I pulled away.

She looked up at me and said, "Well, I like you. My place is just around the corner. Let's head over there and you can tell me what you want for breakfast in the morning. I want boner for a midnight snack." Wow. Class all the way.

As politely as possible, I explained to her that I was "old fashioned" (true) and didn't sleep with someone on a first date. Gwen jumped in with "Well, no matter. I didn't like you anyway - I just needed to get laid. You're cute but you're a pussy. I don't date men who are pussies."

I then extended my hand to say goodnight, and she spit on it.

I never heard from her again, thank goodness.