A Few Cubes Short of a Full Glass

Submitted by Andrew:

Tracy had very obviously been burned by some past relationships, as she was the single biggest bitch I've ever had the displeasure to date.  I picked out a restaurant and we agreed to meet there.

She was already sitting down in the restaurant before I made it inside.  The first thing she did was check her watch, then she asked me if I smelled something funny.   I didn't, but she kept repeating, over and over, "Something smells funny.  Since I got here, I've had a strange aroma in my nose."  Then she introduced herself.

She made faces the entire time as if she was surrounded by noxious fumes.  She yelled at the waiter for putting too much ice in her water, she yelled at me for not being man enough to tell the waiter that there was too much ice in my own drink.  So what's a little OCD among friends?

That wasn't it, though, she asked me, point blank, how many times I'd had sex.  She didn't seem interested for playful curiosity's sake.  That I could understand.  She seemed totally serious, with some sort of black, harpy-esque purpose.

I tried to evade the question, but she countered with, "You can cut the bullshit.  I know that every guy keeps a tally.  What's yours?"

I told her, and she said, "That many?"

I couldn't tell if that was more or fewer than she was expecting, but I honestly didn't care.  I shrugged, and then she didn't talk to me for five minutes.

At the end of those five minutes, she asked me, "Now out of all of those, how many times were sex with girls?"

I told her that the number I quoted was 100% women.  She snorted into her water, which now seemed to have the correct amount of ice cubes.  I didn't like the way she kept looking at me, as if she was calculating something.

She asked me again if I smelled something awful, and I told her that I didn't.  She then accused me of being the smelly one, but she had said that she thought something smelled weird since she got there, and I reminded her of that.

"Oh yeah," she said, sounding disappointed.

Towards the end of dinner, she checked her watch and said, "You know, I canceled another date for you."

I didn't know what to say, so I thanked her.  She said, "Whatever.  Neither of you were probably worth it."

What the hell am I supposed to say to that?  I raised my water glass as if to toast her, because I couldn't think of anything else to do.

She said, "Eew!  You don't toast with water!  What the hell are you thinking?  You really are a moron."

I smiled.  I couldn't help it.

She continued, "No, you really are.  I could be at home by myself, having a great time, but instead I'm here, trying to have a nice time with you."

Oh man oh man oh man... what an opening.  Yes, I know you'll all hate me for it, but I had to.  I had to.

I said, "I have no doubt that you'd be having a great time.  At home.  By yourself."

She said, "You're so immature.  Just pay the check and let's cut our losses, okay?"

Jesus, what a bitch.