Submitted by MB:
In 2000 I was a freshman in college. It was my first time away from home, and I had resigned myself to the fact that I liked women.
Since I wasn’t sure where or how to meet other single lesbians, I went to the first place I could think of. I met Lisa online and we hit it off pretty quickly. She lived close to me, worked at the local mall and seemed fun, cute and normal! We met face-to-face several times, and dated casually for a few weeks.
One night she picked me up in her beat-up pick-up-truck for a romantic night out. We decided to head back to my dorm when she said, “Hey! I know a great back road. Wanna go for a little ride?” Of course I did. The moon was full, the skies were clear, it was chilly and perfect out, and I was in great company.
We started down the road when I suggested that we pull over. We did, and she moved in for a kiss.
Without warning she jerked away from me, scrambled to the other side of the truck, covered her mouth frantically, and with muffled screams said, ”OH MY GOD! I didn’t want you to find out this way. Oh, no. Oh, God, Oh God…” She looked panicked and scared and I couldn’t imagine what the problem could be.
She started to cry, sobbing heavily, and when I tried to console her, she pushed me away. I stared in horror for several minutes and asked her, “Lisa, sweetie, what’s wrong? What happened? Please tell me.”
She slowly removed her hand and said, “I didn’t want you to find out this way, I’m so sorry. But, at midnight, when there is a full moon, my fangs come out and I need to feed. I need to take you back to your dorm immediately…”
*Blink* Excuse me? What? I mean… WHAT? I stared at her, waiting for the punch line, waiting to hear the laughter. Waiting for this girl that I had been making out with for the last few weeks to tell me that she didn’t REALLY think she was… a… vampire. Yeah, the punch line never came.
“Uh, yeah, you better take me back now…” I told her, “My roommate is expecting me back.”
She said, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle me, everyone breaks up with me when they find out…”
I still date women, but I’ve given up on vampires.
Not to be all pedantic, but I think, what with the full-moon thing and all, she was a werewolf, not a vampire.
ReplyDeleteJust in case that makes you more interested.
I wish this was fake. She was all kinds of crazy, and had many other issues aside from "the fangs." Shortly after this incident she called me and told me that she had cancer, and only had 6 months to live. Of course, I was there for her, only to find out that she lied and just wanted the attention.
ReplyDeleteYou should have told her that you were a descendant of Abraham Van Helsing, and that it was your family's mission to purge evil from the world. Then you should have destroyed her.
ReplyDeleteBad dates aren't sexual-orientation-specific.
ReplyDeleteYeah, really! A bad date is a bad date, regardless of sexual orientation (or race or religion or what have you). And I think most people have issues -- I can't say I've found lesbians to be more or less crazy than your average crazy person either.
ReplyDeleteAnon @ 9:46...Nobody should want to hear about lesbian stories. Yeah the chicks in porn are hot, but the average lesbian I've seen (and there a lots at my office, we are one of those real "diverse" workplaces) are fucking UGLY. The thought of any person that looks like that having sex with anyone makes me want to vomit.
ReplyDeleteAnon (10:54AM), what in the hell does the person's looks have to do with these stories? Are you imagining everyone telling a story on here is Bradd Pitt or Angelina Jolie?
ReplyDeleteAnd to tell the truth, you making yourself look pretty damn ugly right now....
Anon @ 11:37, I was only replying the comment that Anon @ 9:46 made, that someone would have to be a homosexual to not want to hear about two women. The idea that two women "getting it on" is hot is a fantasy that exists in the porn world. In reality most lesbians are fat and ugly and most straight men should be turned way off by that thought.
ReplyDeleteYou should have dipped a used tampon in warm water and asker her to drink it as a test. If she was a true vampire, it'd be like having a tea.
ReplyDelete@12:38
ReplyDeleteThat is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Good show.
@ 12:04, I'm sorry that you don't have a good imagination to come up with good visuals to these stories.
ReplyDelete@12:04
ReplyDeletedurr hurr I'mma make a vast sweeping generalization about lesbians based on the fact that some that I've met were ugly, because you know everyone of any given sexuality is exactly the same and everything.
Anon @ 2:21 aka Fuckstick McJohnson
ReplyDeleteStatistics 101: 100 lesbians sampled (at least that many in my office and I know they are lesbians because of their participation in the companies "Pride" activities)
I've counted 3 that are attractive.
According to my sample group 97% of lesbians are ugly (And that is a conservative estimate because the amount of lesbians is likely many more than 100). My co-workers that are not too PC to discuss this information agree and also have similar statistics based on previous offices they have worked for. I have as well. The average rolls in at about 93% based on 10 different sample groups.
(Yes, I am a math nerd. Would you like to know on average how many redheads have freckles??)
Now, Fuckstick Mcjohnson, I know science is beyond you ability to think. But I tried my very best to avoid big words.
Science, bitches!! It works!
96.2% of statistics on the Internet are made up.
Delete@4:06pm - You tried your very best to avoid big words... and apparently you also avoided rereading your post (unless you're a math nerd with broken English.) Congratulations!
ReplyDeletePlus, wouldn't it be fair to state that your statistics are slightly skewed since your opinion of "attractive" may not be everyone else’s opinion?
WHO CARES if lesbians are attractive? The point was that it was a bad date... it would have still been bad if the daters were male/female or male/make.
I took a poll around my office, an engineering firm, no women were found to be attrative here. So I guess that mean 100% of the women in the world are ugly.
ReplyDelete@ 4:17
ReplyDeleteApologies on mistypes in my previous post.
Anyway, I agree the date's place on the site is fine, no issues there. I was only countering Anon@ 9:46's comment that someone must be a "fag" because they don't like the thought of two women together.
I know a lesbian. She's asian.
ReplyDeleteIn conclusion all lesbians are asian.
Because of like... maths.
LOL at all of you. I must say that these comments were far more entertaining than the original post which was just stupid.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping to jump all over the Math Major's logic, but it seems you good people have beat me to it. Kudos to those that actually think in logical terms.
I've come to the conclusion that 100% of homophobic jerks are stupid.
ReplyDeleteScience, it works!
my Physics degrees are crying because of you guys....
ReplyDeleteHAAHAHHAHAAHHAHAAHHAHA
ReplyDeletewow....