With Dates Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Submitted by John:

Jess was a classmate of mine in English.  We'd borrow each other's notes and engaged in regular small talk.  I liked her, so I asked her out to a local sandwich and coffee place.

I guess I really didn't know her that well.

I ordered a chicken sandwich and she said, "Ugh."  I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Chicken is gross."

Okay, well sorry about that.  She ordered something with tomatoes and sprouts and we sat down.

"What do you like to do for fun?" she asked.

I told her, "I like swimming, dancing, writing..."

"Are you any good at any of those?" she asked.

I asked her what she meant.  She said, "You look like... I don't know.  You don't look really mobile."

"Mobile?"

"Agile, I guess."

I'm 5' 11" and weigh 160 pounds.  I'm not sure how much gawkier I could have been.  I asked her, "Do you think I'm fat?"

"Maybe a little."

Hmmm.  I've been called many things, but fat isn't usually one of them.  Well, no matter, because then she said, "You don't have much luck with women, do you?"

"What?"

"Am I like the first girl you've asked out?"

I was at a loss for words.  She jumped right in with, "Clearly, I am."

I don't know what her problem was, and the rest of our short meal was filled with similar words.  She said, "You should try wearing some deodorant," "Do you really brush your teeth twice a day?" and "A comb could do wonders for your hair."  I'm really pretty sure that I looked and smelled fine.

I wasn't sure if it was a date or Monty Python's argument clinic.  Either way, I was fed up and done with her.