Fiddle Me This, Fiddle Me That

Submitted by Nora:

Robert and I met online.  He picked me up and took me out to dinner at a really nice restaurant.  It wasn't necessary, to go to such a nice place, but it was his decision, so I went along.

It was a little hard to concentrate on making conversation during dinner, because he kept fiddling in his pants pockets, like he was itchy on both sides of his body.  At one point I asked him if everything was all right, he stopped fiddling, he said that it was, and then went right back to fiddling.

When the check came, he didn't take it.  After sitting without saying much for five minutes, I pointed to it and asked, "How do you want to work it?"

He rolled his eyes and took it.  "Fine," he said, "I guess I'll pay for everything!"

"Um... I'll split it.  It's not a big deal."

He looked at me, put the check down, shoved his hands back into his pockets, and fiddled more furiously than ever.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked him.

"Agh," he said, wincing, "My boys are jonesin'!"

"Excuse me?"

I will never forget the following:

"My NUTS," he said, loud enough for surrounding tables to hear, "My NUTS are JONESIN'!"

My look must have reflected a bastard stepchild of the confusion and hysteria that was spreading through me.  "Jonesin'?" I asked.

He pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket, counted out enough to cover the check, and stood up.  "I'll be right back," he said, before swigging down a gulp of ice water and heading to the bathroom.

When he returned, some time later, he seemed all better.  I never did find out what "jonesin'" was, and to be honest, I'm rather glad that I didn't go on a second date with him to find out.