Tanned Body. Missing Brain.

Submitted by A.M.:

I met him when I worked over the summer at a tanning salon between college semesters. He was an occasional customer. He seemed polite and nice enough, up to standards in the personal hygiene and looks department, seemed to have a good work ethic, and was successful in his profession. These are all great qualities to have in a potential sweetie.

One day he asked me out on a date and I accepted. The date turned out to be a country band called "The Judds." I wasn't into country music, but what the heck, I'm open to new experiences. The concert was in a neighboring town, so he picked me up. He drove a 2-ton pickup truck. It was quite formidable for a girl my size. I had to leap up to get into it.

We went straight to the venue - no dinner. Strike one. Fortunately I wasn't very hungry, and they had some concessions at the concert. I bought my own food.

We joined his relatives (!) at the concert - I was not aware that we would have company, but I let it go. The concert had a grassy knoll, on which we situated our blankets. The whole family started swilling alcohol. They brought their own hard liquor to supplement the beer sold in the concessions, and pretty soon they were all rip roaring hammered. Strike two.

As soon as I saw how wasted they were ALL getting, I stopped drinking altogether. I had no escape plan, so I had to endure a whole family of drunken rednecks. I never touched their liquor, and the beer buzz wore off quickly.

Then, he kicked it up a notch. He started whining and crying about what a bitch his ex-wife was, and began picking arguments with his relatives. Strike three, but I was trapped with no escape plan.

He kept trying to stick his tongue in my mouth and put his hands all over me, right in front of the relatives. I got him to stop, and he started to cry and whine about his bitch ex-wife again, and how much the divorce was costing him, and how all women were greedy bitches and he was never going to get married again. *sigh*.

The best part was when he said that if we were going to be together as a couple, it was best that I got to see his good side AND his bad side as early as possible, so I could learn how to handle it. I couldn't agree more, except for the part about us being together, which I don't remember discussing.

After the concert, they said that they had rented a hotel room, and invited me to join them there because it was too late to drive home, and he was too drunk to drive home anyway... I said no, thanks, I'LL drive the truck.

So I drove us home. He sat on the passenger side, fuming that I wouldn't sleep with him in the hotel room. Right. On a first date. Him stinking, puking drunk. Crying like a baby. Whining about his ex-wife, calling all women greedy bitches. Oh baby, I think I'm in looove...

When we got to my apartment complex, I got out without saying anything - no goodbye, no hug, no nuthin'.

As he slid into the driver side, he looked at me with his best big eyed baby look, the one kids use when they want a cookie, and said, "So I guess this means I don't get a second date?"

I looked at him, turned around, and entered my building. It was about 3:30 AM.

He never returned to the tanning salon ever again; he had prepaid for about 20 tans, so I guess the salon got to keep the money. And he never called me, which is just as well, because it saved me the trouble of hanging up on him.