Symphony of Horror

Submitted by Julian:

Some time ago I stumbled upon two tickets to see the Chicago Symphony Orchestra as conducted by Daniel Barenboim play an evening of Mozart. Alas as the tickets presented themselves a mere 36 hours prior to the dimming of the auditorium lights I was scrambling to find company. High and low I searched, yet despite making plenty of calls, I found nobody to join me. So I turned to CraigsList.

A woman contacted me, and after a brief conversation we agreed to meet at a nearby bar for a drink, some chit chat and face time so to speak prior to heading into a darkened theatre. After my drink-singular, and her drinks-plural we headed to the auditorium.

At intermission, rested and delighted with the music thus far, I leaf through the program to find that the next piece is epic, legendary and almost never played - in short, a real treat. My company leaves for the bathroom. Not five minutes later I hear a vague commotion from downstairs. I wait anxiously.

"Ahem, excuse me sir."

"Yes" I say as I turn to see my date, standing in the aisle flanked by three stern ushers.

"I'm sorry but if your date cannot control herself I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"I, um, uh..." I mutter as if waiting for the lights to dim to my rescue.

"Sir..." says the usher as he looks at my company and then to me waiting for my response.

"Well," I say as I look to the glassy-eyed, soggy woman to whom I gave the ticket, "I... guess you should... go then."

"Fine, give me my coat." Snaps the doomed woman who took my spare CSO ticket.

I reach over and ever so delicately hand the woman her coat and purse taking the utmost care to ensure that no knives, shrunken heads, or narcotics fall out. And now I take a breath and feel my shoulders relax as I have successfully resolved an otherwise awkward situation.

She screams, "FINE, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!"

I have a new respect for women as at that very moment as my company screamed at the top of her lungs, I experienced menopause. A hot flash so intense washed over me that the rising heat from my collar was causing my hair to curl.

The entire theatre turned in their seats to see what the hell just happened. Time froze and everything went in slow motion. My life was about to come to a screeching halt.

Lights down. Thank you God, thank you, thank you.